Overheard: Dry Heaves

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Two guys in the grocery store.)

Guy 1: What about that? Gorilla grape. What do you think?

Guy 2: No, man, like … think about it. Gorilla? Ew. I don’t want to drink that.

(Girl, on the phone in Starbucks.)

Girl: You puked in the middle of the street? How drunk were you?…. Sober? Who pukes sober?

(Guy, on the phone in the art lab.)

Guy: Listen, you don’t need to care. But I can fit inside a dinosaur.

(Two girls, walking.)

Girl 1: So how was last night?

Girl 2: It was great. Craziest sex I’ve ever had…. But I’m worried. I think he might like me.

(Professor, in an early morning class.)

Professor: Oh. Sorry.

(beat)

Professor: It’s early. I just burped for the first time.

(Girl, explaining herself.)

Girl: Oh, you see, I barfed, but it was just – this white gunk. Because I didn’t eat anything. I only ever ate Popsicles and yogurt. Because I used to weigh 150 pounds. I was 150 pounds when I was in fourth grade.

(Guy, talking on the road outside an apartment complex.)

Guy 1: God. I was so sick. Couldn’t keep anything down. I only drank iced tea for three days because it tasted just as good coming back the other way.

Guy 2: Dude, that was a rough cyst.

(Girl, on cell phone.)

Girl: It was insane. All of a sudden there was a big dance circle and the entire bar was beating the beat. Even the bartenders.

(Woman, at a deli, wearing a fur coat, fur hat and fur shawl.)

Woman: I would like seven pounds of ham. It’s cold.

(Two girls, talking in the library cafe.)

Girl 1: If I die, just keep me in the worms.

Girl 2: They’re getting hungry. They could use you.

(Cashier at a pizza delivery restaurant.)

Guy: Thanks.

Cashier: I don’t know. I’m just giving you … like, all these presents of food.

Guy: Uh-huh?

Cashier: Like I’m the witch from Hansel and Gretel or something.

Guy: Yeah.

(Two girls, waiting at a bus stop.)

Girl 1: Isn’t it supposed to make your breasts really uncomfortable?

Girl 2: It’s fine. I’ll just have the tiny human take care of it.

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