With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, many of us are spending our days in bed, sifting through photos of boyfriend’s past with a tube of cookie dough in hand while The Fray plays in the background.
No? Just me?
Regardless if you’ve hit rock bottom, it’s not easy being single in February when it seems that everyone’s focus is on love: finding it, expressing it (with cheap chocolate), and (unknowingly…hopefully) rubbing it in everyone’s face who hasn’t quite found it yet. Who can judge you, then, for taking a trip down ex-boyfriend memory lane, thinking about all those wonderful little things you had together.
But maybe instead of drowning your sorrows in raw dough thinking of all the good in your past, it’s time to focus on the bad: all those jerks in your history of love who, thankfully, are long gone. Because as much as it sucked then, nothing lifts the spirits quite like realizing you’d rather be alone on V-day than with any one of these losers: (And hey, if you’ve got a man to snuggle up to on February 14th, you can still enjoy knowing he’s not like this.)
Kelly – University of Iowa: He was cute and “funny-a-hole-from-the-back-of-class” hot, but turns out he wasn’t so fond of anything that wasn’t white. When a hypnotist came to our high school and I was hypnotized, I was asked which celebrity I wanted to make-out with. I said Denzel Washington (OMG, duhhh, why not!?!) and he flipped out a month later because I thought a black man was hot. Racism is grosser than any halitosis problem. Yuck. Now, I’ve been dating a Mexican for over 2 years and there is no shame in that.
Samantha – UC Santa Barbara: Spent a long and amazing weekend with this guy that I had just started dating. Weekend included me dropping $220 on a hotel room for a spontaneous night at the beach and money on groceries all weekend, only to find out that he was going to another state to visit a girl for Valentine’s Day AND to see him tell another girl that he “found” all these cool places to hike in the hills (which I showed him). FML.
Christie – NC State: One of the biggest jerks I ever dated asked me if I was going to pick him up so we could go to the movies (on our first date). After I said I couldn’t, he made his friends drive him. When he arrived (late!), he immediately went up to the box office and bought himself a ticket, then turned and got out of the way for me to purchase my own. He wondered why I didn’t sit close to him during the movie (uh, get a clue). Oh, and he asked me out in a text message to be his girlfriend. Like an idiot I said yes, then he randomly could never hang out with me and about a week later I found out through Facebook he asked another girl out and began dating her.
Kelly – Simmons College: So many to choose from. It’s either the guy who broke up with me by not answering my calls for two weeks, or the guy who gave me a facial after I told him not too, then left me in his room while he went back downstairs to the party…
Carly – Grinnell: Wow. There have been a few doozies, for sure, but I think the dude who takes the cake is the one who broke up with me in high school over AIM on the night before finals, then started dating my best friend IN SECRET. That’s right. I didn’t even know they had ever been together until three years later when one of my other friends finally gathered the decency to tell me.
Brittany – University of Saint Thomas: Recently, a guy I had really liked and I were getting into the swing of things. In fact, we had a steamy make-out sesh in his boat and literally 10 minutes later, I went upstairs and I caught him hooking up with his guy friend’s girlfriend. She was 17.
Meg – University of Delaware: Biggest jerk I’ve ever hooked up didn’t know how to take no for an answer (cut to me walking home by myself at 4am) and still tries every time I see him!
Sara C – Fordham: My first boyfriend broke up with me on my birthday. He said it was because his camp friends didn’t like me–but I’d never met them!
Lauren – University of Michigan: I dated a guy for two months and he ended things via mail. Addressed to Laura.
Alex – Lakehead: It would have to be Alex (yes, same name). He told me he broke up with his girlfriend for me and that he was falling in love with me after knowing each other for a week. Should have clued in, but obviously didn’t. One night at a bar, we kissed a lot and one of his girlfriend’s friends came up to us and tried to hit me because apparently they weren’t actually broken up. Luckily another friend saved the day and convinced the friend to back off.
Elizabeth – UC Berkeley: I think it would have to be the guy that made me pay for my own subway and bus ticket and then go inside and claim seats inside the venue while he smoked a joint. Oh, and he also ended up giving me a piggyback ride that ended with me falling on my face on the sidewalk and chipping my front tooth in half. What a winner.
Leah – Ryerson University: I was friends with this guy who I started getting feelings for, but he had a girlfriend so I placed them on the back burner. Then he told me they broke up, we started hooking up and I started to really like him. He then stopped talking to me, and I found out they hadn’t actually broken up. Good times.
Melanie – Northeastern University: Two words: Adderall dick. Makes whiskey dick look like Ron Jeremy’s.
Kim – Stanford: I had been dating this guy for a while and Christmas was coming up. It was going to be our first Christmas as a couple and I spent hours thinking about what I was going to get him. I put together this great gift of all his favorite things and spent a good amount of time (and money) on him. Then we exchanged gifts. He legitimately gave me a candle for Christmas. A candle. And NOT even in my favorite scent. I faked that I liked it at the time and didn’t tell him till a year later how lame his gift was. He responded by saying he gave me the gift of light.
Jessica – FIT: So this guy called me to hang out at around 1:00 am, you know, the usual time to be hanging out. I was already in bed but I was desperate and stupid so I got up, re-did my make-up and drove to his house. When I got there, instead of inviting me in, he got in my car and told me his basement was already occupied by his brother so we’d have to “hang out” in my car. After a few minutes he realized I did not want to make out with him in the back seat of my car, he got pissed off, told me I shouldn’t dress like a slut if I wasn’t going to act like one (I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt…) got out, and slammed the door. Not to mention, I got my tonsils out the next day and he never called to see how I was.
Jessica – Delaware: My 9th grade boyfriend dumped me when I got sick with mono. He then proceeded to yell at me because he would miss soccer season if he caught it and blamed me for ruining his chances at a scholarship. He didn’t catch it. What a winner.
Emmy- Loyola University Chicago: I dated this one boy for three years. He got mad at me and asked my best friend to our senior prom without ever getting around to telling me that we were breaking up. The kicker is that she said yes. Yeah, he kind of sucked…