Question for La Tuff?! Email her at [email protected] and, you know, she might answer you and shoop.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been seeing this guy at school on-and-off since the beginning of the school year. He’s a freshman, I’m a sophomore. At the beginning, we hit it off great for about three weeks, and then he felt that he needed to keep his options open as a freshman–which I understood and let it go. He came back around Thanksgiving time and told me he wanted to start seeing me again, and I agreed. Things went great for a while, he called/texted me often over our month-long winter break, and I thought he seemed pretty into me. So, naturally, when we got back for spring semester, we were pretty into each other and he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend.
Well, this entire time, I’ve been afraid that he’s going to get distracted by some other pretty girl, and I’ve kept myself at a distance because I don’t want to get hurt. In a way, I’ve been playing some serious game–but it’s totally hurting me because I’m not being honest with him like this, or being honest with myself. So in a spur of the moment thing when I felt ready at the time, I told him how I felt–that he gave me the butterflies, made me feel like no one’s ever made me feel before, etc., and he just sort of said, “Okay. Do you feel better now that that’s off your chest?”
I feel like I’m always so confused by this guy and I hate it. For the first time in my dating history, he is the one who has the control and I hate feeling like I have none. But I’m also so totally, totally into him.
Please help me – I don’t know whether I should just drop this altogether to keep myself from getting hurt, or if I should stay with it to see what happens…
He Drives Me Crazy
Girl, what kind of attitude is this, waiting around nervously to see if he gets nabbed by “some other pretty girl?!” No, no, no, girl, not on my watch. Not. On. Tuffy’s. Watch.
Okay, so, like, you like him. I get that. I’m happy for you. But don’t imagine for one second that liking someone means you’re happy to let them walk all over you.
There are three main possibilities with this guy:
(1) He’s just not ready for a big commitment. No big. He is, after all, a college freshman. That’s pretty young to settle down. He may just be unsure about getting so serious so fast, when he’s only just entered college. If this is the case, you’ve got to reassess: How badly do you need for this to be a serious, committed relationship? If you’re okay with something casual for now (as in, this is just fun for now and may not be forever), then everything should be fine. Just remind yourself that this is what it is, and, if it evolves into something, great, and if not, there are always other cutie-pants fishies in the sea. After all, you’re quite young yourself.
If, however, you feel that’s not enough, DO NOT continue to date this guy. Don’t wait around for heartbreak, honey, because that’s what you’re asking for if you’re not honest with yourself (and him). If he wants casual, don’t wait around because you’re sure he’ll eventually want to be serious, because it may or may not happen.
(2) He’s playing games with you. In this case, Tuffy sez: dump the SOB. Tuffy’s nervous about this one because of what you said about his inability to make up his mind, and then his, shall we say, rather cold reaction to your big emotional confession.
You may as well learn now that guys who play games never change. People who manipulate their lovers should not be rewarded. If you think he’s playing games to get the upper hand, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
(3) He’s just plain shy. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say when you tell him you’re falling for him, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t feel the same way. Like I said before, dude’s young–he doesn’t have that much emotional stuff to draw from yet. He may just not know how to say it back.
But the bottom line is that you’ll never know which one of these is true unless you really sit down and talk to him. Set aside a quiet date somewhere private where you’re both comfortable. Have a nice dinner, get all relaxed–and then have the talk. Tell him you’re really starting to develop strong feelings or him and that you wanted to know how he felt before you got too involved. Tell him it’s okay no matter how he feels, but that you just really need to know.
IMPORTANT: Do NOT get emotional. Be casual, relaxed, and smile. If you make him uncomfortable, I guarantee he will not be honest with you. You want to come out of this seeming reasonable, sweet, and not at all clingy.
After you talk, you can go home and make your own decision about whether or not you and he are on the same page. If it’s worth working out, work it out, girl! If not–well, how many times I gotta say it?! SO many cutie-pants fishes.
Hearts & Skulls,