Beads are Boring: Five Things We’d Flash For

I love everything about Mardi Gras. It’s one of those days that makes day-drinking on a Tuesday completely acceptable and encourages us to eat the most disgustingly greasy (read: most delicious) food that we can. Whether or not you participate in the religious side of the event (it’s a chance to eat whatever you want before Lent starts), we can all agree that a day dedicated solely to partying and indulgence is heaven sent.

But one thing I’ve never understood about Fat Tuesday is the new tradition of women flashing men for plastic beads. There is a good history behind the beads–in the 1960s beads, along with other things like doubloons and small toys, were thrown from parade floats. But when, and why, are women showing their t*ts to strangers for them?

I mean, I guess I get it. Women have been using their sexuality to get things for ages; if showing a little more cleavage didn’t get me free drinks at bars, I would wear a t-shirt every night out. But really? Giving away the goods for some plastic beads that cost $1 for 50 strands? I’d rather save my boobies for something else, buy myself some beads, and call it a night. Plus, there are cameras everywhere and ending up in a compilation like this would make great conversation around campus.

Sometimes though, there are opportunities out there that are worth showing off what your momma (or Heidi’s fave plastic surgeon) gave you; here are five things we’d definitely flash for.

1. A date with Johnny Depp

The chance to sit across a candlelit table with Mr. Depp is like a zero-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And if I knew that I would get that chance with just a quick shirt lift, my top would be gone in .15 seconds. Whatever humiliation I may feel from showing my boobs would quickly melt away when I look into his beautiful, beautiful brown eyes.

 

2. Balenciaga “Giant City” bag


It’s been one of my life goals to be the proud owner of one of these gorgeous works of art before I turn 25. But as a 21-year-old with $800 in my savings account and student loans that need to be paid off, I’d happily show a little nip for this $1600 bag.

 

3. My dream job


Economic struggles and job uncertainly aside, landing a dream job, especially right out of college, is not easy. Especially when my dream job is to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel and I’m only 5’3″. It would take a miracle for me to obtain mine, but I bet a lot of men out there think boobs are a miracle. So we’ll see.

 

4. Eternal life for my cat

Yes, this is my actual kitten.

Life without my kitten is unthinkable. I would give just about anything (especially a little boob shot) for little Ladybird to be able to stick with me for the rest of my life. That way when I’m in my 40s watching Sex and the City reruns alone with a bottle of wine, she can be there too. (And we will pretend that I didn’t spent last Wednesday night doing just that.)

5. Brett Favre to retire


Now Brett. You’re a hot older man and everything, and, don’t get me wrong, I love me some hot older men, but enough is enough. I’m tired of ESPN talking about you, and that’s the only channel on at my place of employment. I’m tired of my guy friends whining about not being able to wear their #4 Packers jerseys until you’re done with the Vikings. Make. A. Decision. I’m here to help you. Maybe a little boobage is the push you need to move on.

You’ve heard five things that I would flash for, now it’s your turn! What’s worth the price of a little indecent exposure?

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