The Weekly Ten: What We Wish Tiger Had Said

“He’s a cheating jerk!”
“He should do what he wants, he’s got millions!”
“Who cares?”

No matter what your stance on Tiger Woods (and I’m sure you have one, seeing as you can’t turn on any television, computer or mobile phone without being blasted with his scandal) at least we can all agree on one factor: his televised apology was bleak. It was really bad. Chris Brown bad. The PR written speech, his mom, the bro hugs, the set-up like he’s giving a presidential address? I mean, come on. First of all, thanks a lot for interrupting The View, and secondly, I’ve seen better acting out of the Spice Girls.

But on top of all that, even with a 14 minute monologue, there were so many things left unsaid. So many things the world was left to wonder. So here are the top ten things I wish had come out of Tiger’s mouth or had occurred during his little apology sesh.

10. “I regretfully inform you, that my choice of sleeping with all these women without using a condom, some being porn stars, has led to a devastating case of genital warts. Seriously. Pussing and oozing, people. It’s disgusting.”

9. “I hereby change my name from Tiger to Cheetah.”

8. “I have allowed Chase Crawford to move in as Elin’s live-in boyfriend and manny (male nanny).”

7. “What I did was inexcusable… but, come on, 17 ladies? HIGH FIIIIIIVE.” (High fives members of the audience)

6. “I will be running for governor of New York.”
Spitzer, anyone?

5. “Sorry for interrupting your daily episode of The View. Just wanted to say, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you’re doing a great job. I’m into blondes. Call me.”

4. Exactly the way Kenan and Blake depicted it on SNL.

3. “I’d like to announce my new sponsors: Viagra, Valtrex and Trojan Condoms.”

2. “…And I would’ve gotten away with it if I drove a Mustang.”

1. “I’m taking a break from golf for a little while….to star in a new reality series where I travel the world in a Buick Rendezvous and search for salvation, answers and a cure for the Clap. Sponsored by Buick. Premiering May 1st on the Golf Network. Watch.”

Overheard: Human Sized Hamster Ball
Overheard: Human Sized Hamster Ball
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