The Five People You’ll Meet on Spring Break

With only 20 days until I take my last Spanish exam before waltzing off campus (and into the nearest bar), Spring Break fever has taken over my school faster than H1N1 did last October. While I won’t be jet-setting off to Vegas or Cabo (sighhh) for a week of pool-side margaritas this year, I will be vicariously living through my friends that are. And knowing them, they’ll be out on the beach the whole week, causing trouble, and meeting some definite characters.

Planning to migrate south for SB, too? Here are the five people you’ll meet during your stay, whether you want to or not:

1. Fratty McFistpump

Jersey Shore has taken the whole country by storm. Now I love myself some Snooki, but more and more people at my university have taken it a bit too far and turned into Pauly D look-a-likes. Which I would understand if, say, I went to school in New Jersey, not in the Midwest. But I digress. Fratty McFistpump is even more dangerous than your average FratBro or Guido, because he combines the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) qualities into one overly tanned and muscley package. Now that school is on break, Fratty McFistpump will have more time to dedicated to GTL-ing, showing off his Situation, pounding Coronas with his best fraternity brothers, and hitting on as many girls in bikinis (read: yelling foul things to you and your friends) before high fiving his bros and downing that Jager bomb.

2. The Lobster

“I went tanning to get a base before I left. This baby oil will be just fine.”

Yeah, famous last words… before this moron poor kid spends the next 6 days seeking comfort in a bottle of aloe and the shade of a palm tree.¬† It won’t be until the last day of vacation that they’ll be able to join their friends in the sun, and until then, Fratty McFistpump will be sneaking up on them to slap their sunburned bellies as hard as they can.

3. The Old Guy

This man is long out of college (and was most likely creepy back then, too). You’ll spot him behind a pair of mirrored sunglasses walking up and down the beach. He’s wearing Velcro sandals and is sporting a serious farmer’s tan. His bald spot is red from the sun. He tries to buy you a daiquiri at the poolside bar and chooses the chair next to you when you’re laying out. Wherever you go, he’s there. You’ll see him around the hotel, then again at the club, in a pit stained shirt, buying rounds of shots for unsuspecting Spring Breakers and creepily staring at girls’ butts as they walk past. Eventually, sometime around 5am, you’ll see him guiding some very drunk girl back to his room. Do not be this girl.

4. The One In a Relationship

It’s hard to meet one of these, not because they don’t exist/partake in the “area codes” rule of dating, but because while the rest of the world is out partying on the beach, this Spring Breaker is tucked away in their room, pining for their significant other. They don’t want to go to the clubs because, “there’s no point if [insert cutesy name here] isn’t there.” They don’t want to drink on the beach because, “[insert barfy name here] didn’t want me to get drunk with all these random drunk people around.” So instead they flush that $800 dollars and week of fun down the drain and spend their time in internet cafes emailing their Honey Bunny on a Farm and watching subtitled episodes of Jerry Springer alone in their room.

5. The Sloptart

This Spring Breaker puts Ke$sha to shame. They’re drunk before breakfast and passed out by lunch. After sleeping away the day (and risking lobster status), they wake up just in time to get the party on for dinner. By the end of the week, they’ve puked in nearly every bar in town and made a cameo on Girls Gone Wild SB 2010.

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