The Weekly Ten: Why Canada Deserves the Silver

Every week, I provide you with a list. No, not a grocery list, to-do list or even a bucket list like our friends over at “The Buried Life.” It’s simply a list of ten things that are relevant, whether it’s to my life (like living with dudes), your life (packing on the poundage), or something that the media just won’t shut up about (COUGH Tiger Woods COUGH).

Yesterday, after going through the multiple heart attacks during the USA/Canada gold medal hockey game (that the USA took into overtime in the last 24 seconds of the game!!), I began to think of all the ways that America is far superior to our upstairs neighbor. You know, since we proved that hockey wasn’t one of them. And I was bitter. And angry. And inhaling a tube of cookie dough to cool down….

Okay Canada, you may have taken the gold in hockey, have national healthcare, legal drinking at 18 and some pretty awesome strip clubs night clubs. Now let me just give you ten golden reason why America is much, much better than our hat.

10. We have Florida, they have Nova Scotia.
Seriously, is there anywhere warm in Canada? Miami is so much better than any place Canada has to offer.

9. We say “about” properly
Aboot? That’s what I do after I drink too much Cuervo.

8. The American dollar is worth more!
By five cents!

7. None of that “Eh” nonsense.

6. Avril Lavigne.
Way to go Canada, thanks for Sk8er Boi. I really appreciate that.

5. The metric system.
32 degrees is FREEZING, not warm.

4. Their flag is stupid
What the eff is that about? A maple leaf? Seriously? I can’t think of anything more uninspired. Plus, everyone knows the best maple syrup comes Vermont or Aunt Jemima, which are both clearly AMERICAN.

3. Their national anthem is stupid
“O Canada”? Are you kidding me? Change that shiz to “Blame Canada,” like now.

2. Jack Bauer.
America has him. Canada does not.

1. Dammit Canada, I really wanted to hate you. After that hockey game, I really did. But then I remembered all my pre-21 year old days of traveling up north and getting legally wasted at 19, all the French, the healthcare, Jim Carrey, Le Chateau, Quebec, Montreal, Pam Anderson, ketchup chips, Terrence and Phillip and pretty much everything that rules. Sigh. The gold is all yours, you Canuck bastards.

The Morning After: The Devil Goes Commando
The Morning After: The Devil Goes Commando
  • 10614935101348454