Question for La Tuff?! Email her at [email protected] for a chance at getting your just desserts.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
Here’s my problem: when I first started college back in summer of 2007, I met this awesome guy at a party, though we were both drunk (and at the time I was a virgin). After making out we decided to stay friends. That arrangement has worked out great for both of us in the past (we both dated other people, we both broke up with said people, but we always had each other to “vent” to….and occasionally play kissy-face with).
After I lost the v-card in a relationship that then went sour, we then turned into friends with benefits and everything was working just fine. Recently however (as in last month), he has said that he loves me, and yes in the form, ” *name* I love you!” The problem is, I don’t love him back. He’s said to me that even though he loves me, if I find someone I want to date then he would be okay with that and still be my friend. But last summer when I dated a guy, he went bat-sh*t bonkers stalker crazy calling my cell, my house, and he even found my mom’s cell.
Here’s the biggest problem: there’s a new guy in the picture I want to date (who has asked me out officially). I don’t know what to tell my ‘friend’ and I don’t know a way to tell him I don’t want to sleep with him anymore (since a lot of the time he guilted me into doing it).
Tuffy Luv, I really need your help please.
–A Confused Sunshine State Girl
Please stop seeing this guy. For your sake and his. (But, really, mostly yours.)
Honey, Aunt Tuffy worries. A boy like that, you know, the kind who guilts you into sex–well, that just really isn’t a good situation for you to be in. It’s very sweet that he loves you and all, but it’s time for you both to move on.
The fact of the matter is, you don’t love him. No matter what you do, you can’t force yourself to love someone you don’t love, nor should you. Have you told him you don’t love him back? I hope so. If you haven’t already, I advise you to strongly consider doing so.
In the meantime, what I’m really worried about is this business of his going nuts when you dated someone else. Now, realistically, chances are he’s just a little overzealous, nothing more, nothing less. But times is tough, girl, and you have to make sure you protect yourself.
So, my advice is this:
Arrange to meet him in a public place where there will be lots of people around (but somewhere quiet enough that you can have a real conversation, NOT a bar). Explain to him that you’ve really enjoyed what you’ve had, but you care about him as a friend enough to not want to hurt him. Tell him you like him very much as a person and as a friend, but that you don’t love him back and that it would be cruel of you to keep leading him on.
See how he takes that. If he starts getting upset, leave it there for the moment. Say that you’re sorry he’s upset, but that’s your final decision and you hope that he can come to understand. If he seems threatening or way over-the-top upset, alert campus authorities and stay at a girlfriend’s place for a little while.
If, however, he takes it like a man (read: sad but not insane), go on to tell him that there’s someone you’re interested in dating, and that, although that is not WHY you’re ending your fwb-relationship with him, it is something you are going to pursue. Chances are good that this will be the way things go.
And then you can get on with your life and find a guy who you actually, you know, want to date and have sex with. I’m pretty flippin sure that’ll be better (for everyone) in the long run.
Hearts & Skulls,