My Lip Gloss Brings All the Boys to The Yard

Read my lips: I want you.

Life has taken an unexpected turn into the world of sharing your utmost sexual feelings…on your lips.  Now you can proudly pair your sexy black dress and pumps with this sexy new lip gloss, that let’s your pals know when you’re ready to romp.

This lip gloss, working with your body chemistry, changes shades to reflect how hot and bothered you are. It’s like a mood ring for your lips, but instead of telling you how cool and relaxed you are, it tells others how much you want to tear their clothes off and get frisky in your twin XL.

It looks like I am in business! But without understanding which colors equal “let’s get it on,” how are dudes supposed to know when we’re feeling frisky? I see a new pick-up line forming already, “Hey baby, my lips seem to be darkening into a deep shade of turned-on, join me on the dance floor to get jiggy to Lady Gaga?”

Is it just me, or does this mood-lip gloss thing seem like a terrible idea?  Here are five reasons why:

1. The Color Won’t Work On Everyone
We all know picking out the perfect lip gloss color is a fine art; what if “feeling slightly aroused” doesn’t go with my skin tone? And what if it clashes with my outfit!?

2. Guys Might Not Know What it Means
Will guys instantly know that the deep plum color on your lips means you wanna see him nakey? Lip gloss or no lip gloss, unless you blatantly express your feelings towards his luscious lips (in this case, shoving the color guide into his hands), he isn’t going to understand (the chameleon color changing effects) of yours.

3. You Can’t Play Hard to Get
OK, and if for some reason the lip gloss drives the masses and every guy on earth does know what that cherry red shade means, is that really always a good thing? Not only could the wrong guy read your lips (like the creeper standing next to the uber hottie hockey player), but when your lips say it all you can’t dabble in the cat and mouse game (if just for a little bit) that we all love to play.  The mystery is diminished. Your feelings are spread clear on the table…er…the rim of your drink.

4. It Doesn’t Taste as Good As Liplicious Blue Colada
Well, then again, nothing tastes better than Liplicious Blue Colada. Is it Spring Break yet?

5. What is Going to Happen Next?
Bras that tell people when you’re horny? Contacts that convey when you’re feeling sexy?  People are going to be walking around with glowing boobs and topaz-colored eyes everywhere, hungry for some fun. And everyone is going to know.

I think mystery is a little sexy, so can we please keep the shared sexual feelings to a minimum?

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