Gossip Girl: The Past Belongs To the Past

Everyone knows Gossip Girl is not real. Unlike “The Hills” and “The City,” who try to play themselves off as reality, Gossip Girl is simply a scripted indulgence with a little over-the-top drama peppered in…every 5 seconds. Still, though, sometimes I’d like to think that this show, my guiltiest of guilty pleasures, maintains some semblance of what life is really like on the Upper East Side of New York City. That there really are people up there like Blair, Chuck and Damien. (OK, I think we all know there are people out there like Damien…there are a few of them living on my block.)

But last night’s episode made that nearly impossible. It was chock (Chuck?) full of obvious inconsistencies that took me back to the days of Saved By The Bell – The College Years, when I thought everyone was BFF with their RA (who looked like a wrestler) and could share a mega sweet with their friends from home. Let’s take a look:

1. Nate and Serena’s steamy kitchen love sesh. Not only did Serena come out looking hot in an oversized shirt that would more likely fit Nate’s dad than Nate’s teeny little boy body, but it just so happened that the fridge (the same one Nate “didn’t even know we have”) was fully stocked with foods that would make for the steamiest of sex scenes: whipped cream (in a bowl, not a can), strawberries, caramel….

And why is it that the Nate and Serena sex scenes are so ridiculously hot? (Just me? I guess I did have half a bottle of wine before the show started, but DAYUM, that ish was hot.) What about Chuck and Blair? Or Dan and Vanessa? (We’ll get to them in a momento…)

2. Chuck Wears a Pinky Ring. And, somehow, Blair still loves him.

3. NYU Dorm Party. The last “dorm party” I threw was in my room with the doors locked, making my friends whisper so the RA couldn’t hear us getting drunk. Maybe things are a bit different in the NYU dorms, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have giant theme parties with cocktails and one of those cheesy cut-outs where you can stick your head in for a photo. Seriously, the only realistic thing about that entire party was that Dan and Vanessa sucked face behind the photo wall.

4. Serena Needs to Be Alone. So Serena sticks her nose in Chuck’s business (shocker) and invites his mother to lunch. Chuck writes her a check, she takes it, Chuck hates Serena, Blair reminds Serena that she only meddled because of her own daddy issues. Blah, blah, blah, Serena needs to be alone.. and a cab just pulls up to whisk her away. Have you ever been to NY? I have, and I promise you it is never that easy to hail a cab.

5. Dan and Vanessa wanna “just be friends.” It’s a great idea – best friends who get naked together but don’t let things get too serious – but that’s as likely of happening as me going another month without drinking. Read: things are going to get ugly, complicated, awkward, etc. And someone is going to get hurt.

Also, how could Vanessa ever hook up with a guy who looks so damn weird in a navy ‘beater? I shudder just thinking about it.

6. Jenny and Damien. OK, on second thought, the 15-going-on-30 thing is believable, as is the fact that she got roped into dealing drugs by a cute older guy with a slight obsession with hair gel.

See? Unrealistic. But, that doesn’t take away from the dramz or my love for the show. I was still so happy to see Chuck and his mama hanging out (he smiled!), even if I don’t believe the woman is 100% good. And I, once again, wanted to shake Little J and remind her that she’s so much cuter when she’s not playing the rebel. And I’m a sucker for the Rufus and Lily drama. And Serena and Nate? I can’t wait to see more of them (or, uh, more of their sexy times).

And speaking of sexy time…. is little J gonna have some next week with the pill pusher? We’ll find out!

Candy Dish: What Did Rielle Hunter Expect?
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