Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: April Edition

I’ve officially decided the best way to read Cosmo is out loud on Spring Break with your best friends. Maybe it was the rum in our (multiple) Miami Vices, but we couldn’t help but crack up at all the advice Cosmo had to offer in this month’s issue.

We must have laughed for days about playing Scrabble naked with your man to spice things up. Still trying to figure out what’s sexy about watching your naked (limp) man try to figure out a word he can create out of seven block letters…

We also cracked up when Cosmo told us to flash a real genuine smile that forms crinkles at the corners of your eyes and mouth in order to exude confidence. We each took turns attempting these cheesy smiles, and wound up looking more like chipmunks than sexpots. My advice: try this with your friends for a good laugh, but don’t attempt to do this at a bar. And isn’t faking a genuine smile the exact opposite of genuine?

And of course, there was the one article that made me lose more brain cells than all of the cocktails that I consumed on the beach did: 4 Signs He’s Hiding Something.

Cosmo Says: His throat is dry – Keeping something from you makes him nervous and his body actually goes into freak-out mode.
Arielle Says:
I don’t know about Cosmo writers, but my throat gets dry just from talking too much. And when I’m dehydrated. Or when I haven’t had enough sleep. The list could go on and on. You can’t accuse your man of hiding something just because his throat is dry during conversation. In fact, offering him a glass of water seems like the more polite thing to do than screaming at him while scrolling through his email.

Cosmo Says: He wants more sex – Yes, maybe he’s just extra horny or you’re looking extra hot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that something’s awry.
Arielle Says
: Men have always wanted more sex. They do want more sex. And they always will want more sex. It has nothing to do with some secret they’re hiding – they’re just hornballs.

Cosmo Says: He gives too many details – Don’t be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he’s been or what he’s been doing. He could actually be trying to cover his ass.
Arielle Says:
Sometimes details are what make a story funny. Or sometimes you find yourself dating one of those guys who adds absurd details to everything he tells you and drags stories out way longer than they need to be and you find yourself fighting to keep your eyelids up as you pray he gets to the point soon. Like, in this century.  Accusing your guy of lying just because he happens to remember how many coasters there were on the bar when he ordered his fifth drink isn’t necessary. But, yeah, if you don’t have a story-dragger for a boyfriend, perhaps the fact that he knew (and mentioned) how many ice cubes were in his glass is a problem worth looking into.

Cosmo Says: His hands go into his pockets – Pay close attention to what he does with his hands if you’re sensing he’s concealing something.
Arielle Says:
This could hold some validity, depending on the situation. Maybe his hands are just cold or he’s just comfortable with his hands in his pockets. Although this type of body language could be his defense mechanism, don’t scream at him in the middle of a conversation just because he begins lowering his hands into his pockets. He could just be doing the old “scratch my balls through my pocket so she doesn’t see” maneuver.

But then I guess he is hiding something,

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