Overheard: Hand-to-Boob Combat

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Two girls, on a campus bus.)

Girl 1: So did they have sex?

Girl 2: No, they boarded Penetration Station but the train never left.

(Girls in pajamas, waiting in line at Dunkin Donuts.)

Girl 1: It was hands versus boobs.

Girl 2: That’s a really hard fight to win.

(Two guys, talking in the student lounge.)

Guy 1: They’ve really improved dread rendering, haven’t they.

Guy 2: Yeah. Dreads are just these big snakey lumps.

(Tour group, walking through campus.)

Group leader (yelling) : Hey! You guys aren’t fooling anyone! You’re not gay at all! … Yeah, so this is the library.

(Guy, writing a paper with another guy in the library.)

Guy: Is it funny if I … ejaculate out a window? Holding two stress balls? No, I mean, not like that.

(Guy, at a party, talking to another guy.)

Guy: I have to pee. Should I go outside, or can I use your toilet?

Guy 2: What? Why?

Guy: Don’t you have to pay for water?

Guy 2: Yeah, the toilet is heated. I don’t know if I can spare you a flush.

(Guy, raising a hand in class.)

Guy: This book is about wanting to get out of your circumstances. Wanting to make them better. Like me, see, I’m a miserable prick. And I can’t ever get away.

(Girl, on phone.)

Girl: … I don’t get it! What’s so funny about pudding farts?

(Girl, guy, in Starbucks.)

Girl: Wait, so … is your hat glued to your head?

(Girls, at dining hall for breakfast.)

Girl 1: You’re gonna have to stop laying on me.

Girl 2: But you’re soft. Breakfast is not. I wouldn’t lay on a bowl of oatmeal.

Girl 1: Don’t they do that in spas?

(Girl, talking to friends in a dorm.)

Girl: So I was thinking … like it’s really cool. When Japanese people talk to each other, they just sound like this. Or Australians.

(Girls, outside a dorm bathroom.)

Girl 1: Hey, you guys almost done in there?

Girl 2: Yeah, you done slappin’ the pants?

The Morning After: My Cosi Conundrum
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