Passover means a week of saying thanks – but no thanks to bread, rolls, bagels and all other carb-y goodness. Along with (depending on how strict you observe) saying sayonara to beans, corn syrup, your soy lattes and – um – BEER.
Basically everything you need to exist on a daily basis and especially on the weekend. No beer and no pizza to eat late night ,and no bagels to curb the hangover the next day. I thought we were supposed to be the chosen people? What were we chosen for – to be the pioneers of the Atkins diet?!
Anyway, after celebrating this holiday for 24 years I’ve learned a few things. Like the fact that even though the orange packaging looks promising, Crispy-O’s cereal tastes like crap (if crap was made out of cardboard and cough syrup). And that while matzoh pizza smells good while it’s baking, there really is nothing that can cover up the fact that matzoh tastes like what is ordinarily used to package my recent purchases from Gilt Groupe. So now, as a responsible and Jewy adult, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve to help everyone survive this week sans bread/non K-for-P goodies and keep you and your taste buds satisfied.
1) Look at Passover as a week to detox. Why waste calories on desserts that look decent to the eye but taste like stale cake mixed with bits of Styrofoam? I figure Passover is a great time to eat clean: fruits, veggies, protein. It’s like a week-long detox/cleanse that is imposed by the big man upstairs. (You down with G-O-D?)
2) Quinoa is K for Pizzle! That’s right, friends – Quinoa, the high protein complex carb goodness, is Kosher for Passover. You can chop up some veggies, some nuts, some dried fruit – whatever strikes your mood- and make a delicious and healthy meal!
3) Manischewitz is fine in small doses…. but if you’re looking for something that will really get you drunk, I recommend Tokay. It’s a little less sweet and also happens to be a nice pale pink, which won’t stain nearly as badly when you get splashed during a game of Passover Pong.
4) Charoset isn’t just for your Seder plate. And as it turns out, there are all different kinds of concoctions – some made with apples some made with dates. All are equally yum-skis, quick to make, and not super high-calorie.
5) Spaghetti Squash is a great alternative to pasta.
6) If you decide to you must have SOME sort of bread-like substance during passover, these rolls are delish and easy to make.
7) Potato vodka still works. It tastes like booty, but it’ll get the job done.
8) In case you were looking for an alternative, take it from me, I REALLY don’t recommend Kahlua as a substitute to serious day drinking fun.
9) You know that song “beans beans they’re good for your heart the more you eat the more you fart” or however that goes? Well Matzoh should be right in there with that song (although I’m pretty certain it’s not even good for your heart). Which is yet another reason you should avoid it. Seriously, are there any redeeming qualities about Matzoh?! But for those of you who DO enjoy eating cardboard with your egg salad – if you have a date party, roommates or even want to be around yourself – go for the matzoh in small amounts. They’ll thank you.
What are your tips and tricks to make it through Passover?