Maxim Says The Darndest Things: April Edition

For proper Spring Break travel etiquette, I highly suggest not dragging along an issue of Maxim.  Take my word for it; trying to flip through pages of half naked sex-pots while sitting next to the cute family on their first trip to Disney Land does not constitute for a comfortable situation.  Regardless, I’ve always loved the articles in Maxim.  It is like peeking into the man-brain in magazine form. Absolutely genius… or absolutely full of half-naked girls licking the bottoms of their shoes.

Ever since me and my girlfriends dubbed Maxim the essential road-trip material of choice, I haven’t been able to resist an issue here and there. And this month’s issue did not fail in the ‘getting into the male’s brain’ department.

After flipping quickly through all of the racy spreads of Maxim babes while withholding my own personal commentary about their swimsuits and lingerie of choice, I landed on some interesting material.  I giggled at an article honoring the 25th anniversary of the first space shuttle launch, in which Maxim listed Nasa-patented technology that makes women ‘hotter than the sun.’ The list included how hair, cleavage, teeth, skin, and scent have all been influenced by the orbit to make chicks even hotter.  So I can thank Pluto for my assets? Awesome.

Maxim also gifted us with an interview from Ke$ha (why does it bother me that I have insert the dollar sign in her name), featuring her craziest moments, which included: vomiting in Paris Hilton’s closet, robbing David Spade, breaking into Prince’s house, and (almost) getting attacked by a barracuda. And I still don’t know why I have to use a dollar sign in her name.

And finally, the big kahuna: The Dirty Truth 2010 Survey: Where 4,000 Women Tell All. I couldn’t wait to read it and see the secrets we ladies were passing on to our male counterparts. To close the communication gap and finally have all our answers out on the table. Instead I scratched my head and wondered who the hell these 4,000 women were they found to take the survey. Let’s take a look.

Maxim Says: 4.2 % say, “I don’t think about sex everyday.”
Brittany Says:
I get it, maybe women aren’t as apt as men to think about sex every five minutes.  But the 4.2% in this category are clearly out for lunch. I’m not saying you have to think about sex every waking hour, or the minute you peal your banana for breakfast, but who are these people taking this survey? Nuns?

Maxim Says: 3.2% say they have had zero sexual partners.
Brittany Says:
And there’s our answer.

Maxim Says: 58.3% say great oral sex would be the gift they would be most excited to receive; 24.2% designer high heels; 17.5% a puppy.
Brittany Says:
What are we teaching our men out there, people? The women taking this survey mean to tell me they would rather have one romp in bed with a dude over a puppy? I can only imagine how bad their partners have been at going downtown.

Maxim Says: 10.1% say, 11+ inches is too big (for down under). 9.0% say, “there is no such thing.”
Brittany Says:
Did anyone listen in grade school? That is progressing to be bigger than the length of a ruler. Of course that is too big, people! Do you really need a guy who can give it to you from the next room!?

Maxim Says: 56.4% say, ‘A criminal record’ would be information that would make you refuse to go out with him. 53.3% say, ‘Pictures of him douching out at a club – Jersey Shore style.’
Brittany Says:
Dancing like The Situation in a club is criminal. Oh, and nearly 50% of participants have no problem dating someone with a record? Way to have standards, ladies.

Maxim Says: 81% do not want to attempt anal sex without asking.
Brittany Says:
The other 19% have obviously never experienced the sneak attack. Once they do, they’ll be singing a different tune.

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