Tuffy Luv Sez: Slow Your Roll in the Hay

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Dear Tuffy Luv,

My boyfriend and I constantly fight about sex. He’s my first boyfriend and I was a virgin when we met. After about a month of being together we had sex and in the five months we’ve been together we’ve only done it a few times. He wants it but whenever we do it, it still hurts a little and I don’t really feel anything. It makes me feel empty inside and I find myself wondering what all the hype is about.

We’ve tried taking breaks and now I feel that I’m truly ready so we tried again and same thing. He says we just need to do it more so that it gets better and that our love for each other should be enough to make it feel good but for me it feels better when we make out. I’ve tried getting him to understand and thought maybe we should wait a little longer before trying again because I also think he just wants it a lot (right before our first time he told me I’d have sex with him if I loved him and like an idiot I did it). And whenever we hang out it usually leads to something physical.

Am I getting played? I never thought I’d be one of those naive girls who lets a guy take advantage of her. I’m wondering if maybe I should break up with him. I do love him but we constantly argue about sex and I’m making all these sacrifices to be with him but when it comes time for him to wait to have sex he’ll do it but he’s complaining about it. Should I break up with him? Are there any other options?

— That Stupid Girl

Dear That Girl,

You’re not stupid. But, yeah–you should dump that mothapooper.

This is not a nice guy, That Not-Stupid-But-Perhaps-Somewhat-Naive Girl. This is someone who coerced you into having sex. Could you have said no? Of course you could have. But he made you feel that, if you said no, you were saying you weren’t into him. He manipulated your feelings, girl. And that just ain’t nice.

In terms of the actual sex, well, okay, there are two sides to this. At a certain point in an adult relationship, sex is expected. If you don’t plan to have sex with someone even in the long-term, you should tell that person really, really, really early in the relationship. Sexual needs must be met, so, if the needs vary, partners should know upfront so they can keep from wasting their time.

However, you clearly were not ready to have sex when you did. You don’t say your age, but I’m gonna guess you’re pretty young. Please, kids, don’t have sex if you’re not ready. It’s not gonna be fulfilling. It’s only gonna make you question if sex will ever be enjoyable.

The good news is, it WILL be enjoyable. But with the right partner, That Girl. Not some douchemonger who wants to have sex every time you hang out. Not some poopstick who doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure.

We all deserve good sex, kids. Use a condom and keep it real.

So, okay. If, for some reason Tuffy just cannot imagine, you are really intent on sticking with this guy, tell him you wanna wait on the sex and that first you wanna do the stuff that accompanies sex. You guys should play around with oral (CONDOMS!!! No one up here want the herp!!!) and fingering. And, really, just get to know each other better. When you’re both more comfortable with each other intimately, then you can try sex again. But only if you’re ready.

But, honestly, That Girl, this kid just ain’t worth it. Dump his sorry shoop and get yourself a new boy who won’t try to manipulate you into having sex. And this time, do us all a favor and take it slow, okay? If the relationship is meant to last, then what’s the rush?

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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