Glamour Says The Darndest Things: May 2010 Edition

For the longest time, Cosmo was my bible of choice. It helped me sustain my reputation as all-knowing sex goddess among my circle of friends in high school (nevermind the fact that I didn’t even have my first kiss until the end of my sophomore year…of college). However, at some point, I found myself slightly disenchanted with Cosmo’s absurdity, and felt I need more mature, more refined literature. Alas, I didn’t know about Ms, so I surrendered to Glamour.

To me, Glamour was elegant. It was sophisticated. It was legitimately cosmopolitan. They only featured 68 ways to please your man, in stark contrast to Cosmo’s 168, and I’ve always valued succinctness. Their cover ladies were more erudite and high-class than the typical B-listers that graced Cosmo’s covers. It took a fairly ridiculous amount of time to realize that Glamour’s articles can be just as tacky and misguided and silly as Cosmo’s.

For example, take this month’s article “What No One Ever Admits About Marriage.” Apparently, once you commit to infinite monogamy (but let’s be real, in this day of age, that means, like, 5 years, tops), all conceptualizations of open communication go out the window, and it’s like you’ve entered Fight Club. Thankfully, Glamour decided to uncover

Glamour secret: Once your BFF gets married, “the relationship confessions stop. Forget TMI, she won’t even give you ‘I.’”
Jasmine says: There are married ladies on my Facebook feed who I haven’t seen since Nick Lachey was relevant (post-split with Jessica Simpson), and yet I am beyond intimately familiar with the minutiae of their domesticated bliss. In this era of blogs, Twitter, and Facebook statuses, I don’t think there is such a thing as a “private life.” Especially in regards to your BFF. If she suddenly shuts down relationship talk, that’s what a Sunday brunch loaded with mimosas is for.

Glamour secret: “I have a habit of hiding money from my husband…I treat myself to massages, facials, lunches – basically anything that doesn’t come in a shopping bag that I’d have to explain.”
Jasmine says: Wait, what? Okay, I totally understand not wanting to surrender total control of one’s finances to one’s husband, especially if you’re a Miss Independent who makes her own dough. However, I’m going to need the husband to be aware of, and accept the fact that their wife loves to shop. If a woman is able to support her shopping without running up a zillion dollars in debt, she should be able to do so shamelessly and without fear of judgment from her husband. Unless she’s ordering from JWoww’s clothing line. In which case, that deserves to be on lockdown.

Glamour secret: “My man is not the most motivated guy in the world so I bribe him to do things around the house by giving him blow jobs.”
Jasmine says: Oh. Let me make a mental of note of that. I like it.

Glamour secret: “My husband and I shower together a lot…but when we’re in there, I almost always pee.”
Jasmine says: How rude! No, but seriously, one-sided watersport action is pretty shady. Or, potentially limiting. Who knows, he might actually enjoy a golden shower?

Honestly, I don’t know if this list is typical of marriages or not, if it makes me want to get married or not, or how I really feel about anyone peeing in the shower. I just know it’s all sorta ridiculous.

Gossip Girl: Till Death (or a Hotel and Creepy Uncle) Do Us Part
Gossip Girl: Till Death (or a Hotel and Creepy Uncle) Do Us Part
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