A long time ago, we had high hopes for Lindsay Lohan, the adorable, freckled star of The Parent Trap who was said to have the potential to be one of the greatest actresses of her time.
Well, times have changed.
LiLo’s fallen and she’s fallen hard. First her acting career, then her love life, and now her popularity. While she hasn’t had a real movie since Mean Girls and, as such, no real income, Lindsay has been bar hopping to score some cash. But even that isn’t bringing in the dough anymore. It’s gotten so bad, in fact, it is rumored that Snooki is now making more per appearance than Ms. Lohan herself.
How could it be that people are willing to pay the big bucks to hang out with a Guidette and not a Hollywood starlet? Isn’t it obvious?
Snooki will do cartwheels on the dance floor, show off her undies (or lack thereof) and beat the beat all night long.
Lindsay won’t be seen on the dance floor because she’ll be in the bathroom snorting a mysterious white substance off of a toilet tank.
Winner: Snooks, hands down! Who wouldn’t pay money to see a little (person do) bar gymnastics?
Snooki will be searching the bar high and low for the perfect juicehead to lure home to her hot tub
Lindsay will be getting in a public brawl with her ex-girlfriend Sam Ronson and then getting a DUI on the way home
Winner: Snooks. We don’t go to the club to fight (unless there’s house music playing and we’re battling), we go to party. No on wants to pay to watch Lindsay get all Debbie Downer on us.
Snooki will be there rocking a corset and her giant-ass pouf on time, every time.
Lindsay most likely won’t show up. Or she’ll show up late. Or she’ll show up, fall, blame it on the paparazzi and then leave soon after.
Winner: Snooki. Again. She may not be credible for much, but at least we know she’s sure to show up and party.
The Princess of Poughkeepsie obviously brings much more to the bar table. Although we can count on both of them to be heavily intoxicated, fall down, flash their undies (or vajay-jays), and fight with strangers, at least Snooki will do it with some level of Jersey Shore composure. And will probably bring The Situation with her.
I’ll take my little Snooks with her fake tan, pouf and trucker hats over the bratty rehab-hopper any day! And yes, I’ll even pay for it.