Gossip Girl: Only The Hired Help Have Happy Endings

Anyone else hoping that it wouldn’t be Lily opening the door when Serena arrived in Florida last night? I mean, everyone but Rufus knew she was there – couldn’t Pops van der Woodsen just open up so we could finally get to see what sort of magical creature he is? He’s gotta be something fantastic, right? Some sort of Brad Pitt/Jake Gyllenhaal hybrid with just a hint of John Krasinski and a pinch of Joel McHale’s humor. Why else would these two women risk everything they’ve got (for Lily, a husband who knows his way around a waffle iron; for Serena, CHACE FREAKING CRAWFORD a boy who looks damn good in a pair of Topsiders) for this guy?

I just want to meet him already. Then I want to reach into the TV and smack him for somehow creating the two most self-centered, annoying women in New York. (And that’s saying a lot, considering The Real Housewives exist…) I am finding it harder and harder to like Serena this season (especially when she does that weird thing with her hair like she did for Dorota and Vanya’s wedding), and it is clear she’s inherited her worst qualities from her hard-to-please mother. Honestly, if Serena didn’t wear that ridiculously awesome necklace to the wedding last night, I’d have written her off completely.

Those van der Woodsen women need a big can of whoop ass, and I hope they open it soon.

But let’s stop talking about them for a moment and get to the real Cartier-wearing white elephant in the room: Blair and Chuck. I was dragged into their lives by my heartstrings the moment the show began and my heart hurt until the very end. (Although that could have something to do with the McDonald’s breakfast I had….) I’ve never had a guy trade me for a hotel (I think?), but I have woken up after a break up and had that moment when I realized that it wasn’t just a nightmare and that the pain was very real. And it is the worst. I immediately hurt for Blair (but don’t think I didn’t notice how perfect her hair looks when she’s moping….), but I also couldn’t help but hurt for Chuck.

The entire episode I was torn. One minute I was screaming, “Take him back, Blair – you two are perfect for each other!” and the next I was seething, “Walk away, Blair – that boy needs to learn a lesson.” (At one point I also grabbed a broom and hit my ceiling while yelling at my neighbors to stop River Dancing upstairs and interrupting my show.) But it didn’t really matter what I wanted, obviously; Blair made her choice and Chuck found some Eastern European giant to seduce in his empire.

And then I cried.

At least we had a somewhat happy ending that put a little pep back into my step. Two, actually. Not only did Vanya and Dorota tie the knot, but we had a little gay love connection for Eric. Yeah, I’d prefer it if both of those boys used a little less product in their hair, but there’s nothing cuter than two high school boys in love. I guess if I can’t have my weekly dose of Chuck and Blair, an adorable gay couple will do.

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