We all got problems, kid. Email it to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com, y’dig?!
Dear Tuffy Luv,
This is a really really long email, but necessary for you to understand my situation. I have a bit of a weird situation and I would like to hear what you think. First off, I should let you know that I am on a sports team at my school. That being said, it is a very small team with about eight girls on it. We are a close team but have a lot of drama and tension, which gets incredibly exhausting at times. We also have a guys team of fifteen men or so, which only adds to the drama.
I have history with a guy on the men’s team, let’s call him Fred. Fred and I have dated off an on for the past four years of being in college. He was my first real boyfriend and I was his first real girlfriend. We broke up halfway through freshman year because we wanted to see what else was out there. Sophomore year we had a couple of drunken makeout encounters which were probably not the best idea, but we always tended to gravitate toward each other when consuming large quantities of alcohol. Junior year Fred asked me out again, and we dated for awhile before he decided to break up with me again because he “needed to focus on school.” Needless to say, I was crushed because I had really strong feelings for Fred, so we didn’t talk for almost four months. Fred apologized to me and told me he treated me like a jerk and I didn’t deserve it. I forgave him because I didn’t want team drama and I really did want to be his friend and I still carried some strong feelings for him. Everyone on the team knew about my feelings for Fred.
Fast forward to the last couple months. Back in December, I started hanging out with Fred again, and he acted like we were a couple. Then one night, a girl on my team who I have known for two years, we will call her Hagatha, got drunk and made out with Fred. She knew my history with Fred and how I felt about him. She apologized and told me it was nothing. The next day, our team had a huge party and Fred and I ended up making out and he told me he wanted to be with me, that we were meant to be together. Hagatha acted like I had made out with her boyfriend and proceeded to say some really nasty things behind my back. Then, to my utter shock, Fred decided that he wanted to pursue things with Hagatha because “she was new.” I was horrified and incredibly angry, but I decided I should give up on Fred for good. Then, Fred suddenly stopped talking to me altogether, and my friends told me that this was because Hagatha told him he was not allowed to speak to me. Ever. My friend who I have known for four years was not going to speak to me because he wanted to pursue things with someone he had only known for a year. This really hurt my feelings and I texted him letting him know that if this was how he wanted things to be then I guess our friendship was over, and left it at that.
I went home for the weekend and Fred kept calling my phone, filling my inbox with texts saying “I’m sorry. Nobody tells me who I can and can’t talk to. I just want to talk to you, please answer the phone.” So one day, I did. He told me how sorry he was, that Hagatha was a horrible person and he didn’t want to be with her, he wanted to be with me. When I got back from my weekend at home, Fred asked me out and we went on a date together. I thought everything was finally going to work out. The next day, Fred came over and told me he had changed his mind, because he had to focus on school because he was taking 18 credits. That sounds like a load of crap to me, Tuffy Luv, so I said whatever and moved on. I thought Fred and I were OK because we had talked things through and I was finally done with him romantically but we could remain friends.
I actually found a lovely guy of my own in the meantime! He is wonderful and treats me exactly the way I deserve to be treated: with respect! I thought everything was great because I was so happy. I had the best of both worlds: I could still be friends with Fred and it wasn’t even awkward and I had this wonderful man who treated me so well. Fred was a lousy boyfriend but usually is a pretty good friend.
Recently, however, Hagatha and Fred have become friends with benefits, and Hagatha lies to my face about it and then laughs behind my back. She swears they are “just friends” even though she is screwing him. What kind of friend is Hagatha? I send Fred a friendly text about the Superbowl and he didn’t answer me. Jokingly, I said, “What, are you not allowed to talk to me again?” Then, he didn’t answer me again! Pretty soon, I found out that Fred isn’t allowed to look at me, talk to me, or be in the same room with me because Hagatha won’t let him.
Tuffy, I don’t understand. I just want Fred to be my friend. We were at the point where we could hang out and have a good time without awkwardness or the danger of hooking up when drunk before Hagatha came up with her friends with benefits scheme. I love my boyfriend and I would never do anything to cheat on him or hurt him, because he is so wonderful and I have never been happier. I just don’t know how to deal with the rage I feel toward Hagatha that she won’t let my friend even speak to me, and I am just saddened by the loss of my friend of four years that I have so much history with. I would also like to add that I NEVER had sex with Fred, just a couple of relationships along with years of sexual tension and makeout sessions.
Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated! I know this was a doozy of an email, but I wanted you to hear the whole story.
Dear Friend Fail,
PHEW!!! That is one longash email!
Well, first of all, Friend Fail, I want to say that I edited one word of your question, and that’s because you wrote what I can only assume is Hagatha’s real name. So, um, be more careful with that.
That said, I really think the answer to your question is simple.
“What kind of friend is Hagatha?” you ask, eyes upward and puppy-dogged. I look back down at you, Friend Fail, with the fury of a thousand rhinos, and I said, “She is no friend, Friend Fail. She is no friend at all.”
Friend Fail, why are you messing around with this drama? Hagatha is a jerkface. She is the kind of asshoop who gives girls a bad (read: catty) name. If she wanted to mess around with Fred, she could have just told you. Or, of course, she could have just, you know, found someone else. It’s not like there’s only one guy at your whole college. But, whatever. She hooked up with him and she continues to hook up with him. You can’t change that. Forget Hagatha.
As for Fred, you say, “I just want Fred to be my friend.” WHY?! Why the hellpinski would you want a friend who lies to you about the reasons he is or is not talking to you at any given time?! He sounds like the lousiest and lamest friend I can imagine. What are you getting out of your relationship with him at this point?
History is history, girl. You and Fred may have a past, but you don’t have a future. There is no reason to be friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends with you. And, girl, he does NOT want to be friends with you. He wants to string you along in case he ever needs anything from you. You know, like a makeout session. He hasn’t been honest with you, and over and over again he’s shown you he could give a shoop about your feelings.
In other words, Friend Fail, be happy with this great new boyfriend and forget the schmucks of your past. You’ll be much better off without ’em.
Hearts & Skulls,