The Ten Life Lessons I’ve Learned from ‘The Hills’

It all started in the whimsical land of Laguna Beach, where dreams and drama were born (if dreams included watching Steven juggle between Lauren and Kristen, and drama included which beach party to attend). Then the Laguna locals have moved to bigger boobs and better things, in Hollywood.  And now ‘The Hills’ begins it’s 7th and final run on Tuesday. Hold your caps folks, it’s going to be a wild ride! Kristen might get those star tattoos on her foot this time! Are you excited?!?

I am.

But besides the drama-jacked “reality,” there may be more to take from the extensions and unnaturally lit dinners than we think. I think it is important to learn from everything in life, even mistakes. And DVRing ‘The Hills’ is definitely a mistake…. that I keep on making. So in honor of our favorite guilty pleasure’s final season, the life lessons I took from ‘The Hills’:

1. How to Make the Right Decision
Lauren really taught us a valuable lesson in the first season.  Maybe shacking up at your low-life boyfriend’s beach house isn’t a dream come true.  Especially with a boyfriend who only plays basketball in his free time and pounds shots at exclusive clubs every night.  Thanks, but I’ll take the job in NYC, and leave the alcoholic boyfriend at home to wallow in his sorrows empty shot glass.

2. You Don’t Need a College Degree to Get a Job
Let me see if I’m getting this right: after surfing your entire high school career and attending black and white parties every weekend, you can road trip to L.A., walk into the offices of Vogue and intern aside sweet people like Whitney Port? See ya never, college!

3. Guys With Private Planes, Are a Dime a Dozen
Obviously, every dude on this planet owns a private jet and rolls out with the boys to Cabo every weekend.

4. There’s Someone Out There For Everyone
Even Justin Bobby, the greasy haired, beanie wearing, motorcycle riding, faux-philosophical asshat who burps and farts in public. (Note to self: Cancel that order for 12 cats.)

5. Living Together Is Not a Fairytale
While I don’t think any sort of fairytale should start with a blond bearded Spencer Pratt, ‘The Hills’ has taught us living with one ain’t the beginning of perfection either. The minute you move in with your man, all he is good for is stealing remote controls from small children and golfing in the backyard with his douchey buddies.

6. Anything Can Be Cool
Kristen made star tattoos sound cool when she briefly discussed getting a couple more on her foot in a light-hearted discussion with Justin Bobby last season.  And we all know plastic surgery and not being able to properly move your forehead will sell so many records for Heidi.

7. How to Discuss Issues with Friends
“So…what did you and Brody do last night?” Leading questions when hanging out with friends are a great way to pry the truth out of your peers.  It is also important to discuss issues only while shopping, eating at a bistro, or getting a mani-pedi.

8. Looks Are Everything
For a cast who spends 15 minutes of every episode getting a mani-pedi, and the other 15 minutes sifting through clothing racks, I can only come to the conclusion that looking good is the key to D-List celebrity status success.

9. How to be Romantic
Because tricking your husband into having a baby (over candlelight and dinner) is the ultimate in romance.

10.Proper Vocabulary
I don’t know how many times the word ‘seriously’ is used and abused in ‘The Hills’, but I think the consistency is a strong indicator that we should all be using it more. Seriously.

So there it is folks, we’ve learned a lot. Come back Wednesday morning for a full recap of the season premiere! And with that, I’m dunzo. Peace out, bitches.

The Morning After: The Late Night Walk of Shame
The Morning After: The Late Night Walk of Shame
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