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Maxim Says the Darndest Things: May Edition


It’s that time of month again: Maxim has slapped a cover-photo of a sultry women touching her tresses on newsstands everywhere. And I’m busy shoving the copy in my purse for later…. when I’m not sitting next to my dad on a plane. Honestly, I can’t get enough of the magazine. Besides having to get over the embarrassment of flipping to a spread with nearly nude women in public, the mag is a skeleton key into the male mind. And I’ll take it. Again, and again, and again.

So of course I could not help myself when I came across an article called ‘Check Your Head’ which showcased some insane sex tips for men. Before reading, I instantly predicted an article that was going to make me giggle like a school girl, but turns out, the article was really good and had some real good (ahem) tips. All the men out there reading this, get the issue now and flip to page 52. Your new name will be ‘Golden God.’

Anyway, (whoa, train of thought, where art thou?) sprinkled in with the many token sexy girl interviews telling men how to properly take off their T-shirts, there was a hilarious and interesting interview with Chris Rock, where he stated his proudest accomplishment was Pootie Tang. Awesome.

And finally, I ran across a man-advice juiced article aptly named, Spring Clean Your Life. I couldn’t wait to dig in and discover what men are worried about de-cluttering come spring time. All of their crusty instant macaroni bowls? Sticky shot glasses? Old Playboy? Febreeze bottles? Errr….not so much. Guys are actually worried about things I would never think of in my entire existence, until now. Honestly, if it weren’t for the half naked girls on every other page in the mag, I would have sworn this article was written for a woman.

I guess getting one’s sh*t together in guy speak is a lot like get one’s sh*t together in girl speak. Let’s take a gander, shall we?

Maxim Says: Your Digital Self: When it comes to your profile photo, create a little mystery by avoiding direct eye contact or smiling. Women are more interested in guys who don’t mug, regardless of overall attractiveness.
Brittany Says:
Oh really? First of all, do guys really think about this that much? Wow. Also, I don’t see this type of photo creating any sense of ‘mystery.’ When I see his MySpace-esque photo floating around the web, it is pretty clear to me what he is all about. And it’s creepy, not mysterious.

Maxim Says: Your Galley: All you need in your kitchen are these 16 things: nine-inch chef’s knife, cutting board, spatula, nonstick skillet, food mill, cast enamel pot, water/sauce pot, carrot peeler, can opener, microplane (grater), bench scraper (dough cutter), tongs, wine/bottle opener, big ass stirrin’ spoon, stainless-steel bowls, and a cookie sheet.
Brittany Says:
All you need in your kitchen are these 3 things: Beer, bottle opener, mini fridge.

Maxim Says: Your Colon: Skip all booze and eat low-sodium organic broths, pure fruit and veggie juices, and a little whey protein; drink green tea. Let the bowel evacuation commence!
Brittany Says:
Let the bowel evacuation come fashionably late. Obviously we all want our men to take care of themselves, but do men really consider this? For some reason, I do not see this happening in the real world. Can you? A veggie plate and a football game? A green tea and a poker tournament? I get it, it’s great advice to get that bowel business started, but all the men out there, just eat a fiber tablet or something… with the buffalo wings.

Maxim Says: Your Love Life: Are the fights getting vicious? Has the sex ceased? Would you rather do anything (work late, bar-hop, cut yourself?) than clock time with her? If yes, it’s a dead-end dude.
Brittany Says:
Um, whoa. We went from bar-hop to cut yourself? That’s a little extreme, isn’t it? And this entire line does not do justice for all the men out there (considering it makes them look like lazy, careless, sex-fiends). So does this mean, if you’re not ready to cut yourself yet, it’s not a done deal?

If I could eat toast and watch Shark Week all day, every day, my life would exceed perfection status.