The Derby Hat: Kentucky’s Greatest Contribution to Society (Aside From Johnny Depp)

A few weeks ago I was on the treadmill at the gym watching the preliminary festivities for the Kentucky Derby, when I realized what my life is missing.

Giant. Ornate. Hats.

For realzies; Derby-style hats are the sh*t, for multiple reasons. For one, like all hats, they immediately cover a bad hair day. But, Derby hats are so huge and ostentatious, they can also distract from a host of other problems, such as a bad face day (don’t lie to yourself, you know you’ve had one).

That said, in addition to helping to conceal appearance issues, Derby hats are also good for drawing attention in a crowd, because, let’s face it, how often are people wearing hats with two foot brims covered in netting and ribbons and feathers and roses? They’re perfect for meeting friends in a crowded area or helping a blind date pick you out at a bar.

Also, Derby hats = insta-glamour. Whether paired with a frothy tulle ball gown or jeans and a tank top, Derby hats make a lady instantly look fabulously feminine and alluring. Don’t believe me? Watch an Audrey Hepburn movie and then try to tell me megahats aren’t the sh*t.

But the best thing about Derby hats, in my personal opinion, is that in this boring age of fashion functionality and cookie-cutter style, uber-feminine hats are freakin’ fun. Even the so-called “fashion forward” take clothes so seriously and buy the same high-waisted pants/secretary blouses/oversize cardigans/blah blah blah over and over again…let’s get some variety in here, damn it! It’s time to embrace our inner four (or eighty)-year-olds!

In short, I’m bringing back the Derby hat. I expect initial resistance from the general public (i.e. finger-pointing, snickering, maybe some drive-by eggings), but I am a fabulous enough person and it is a fabulous enough item that I’m confident it will eventually catch on.

And if it doesn’t? F**k it. Enjoy your bad face days, suckers.

[Photo courtesy of lovedagoat.net]

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