The Hills: Heidi 3.0 and Spencer Douch.0

After a four-mile walk and a giant falafel sandwich (thus negating said four-mile walk), I grabbed my laptop and settled in on my couch for another riveting episode of The Hills. Like every time the show is on, I took notes on the ridiculous things that were happening so I could write this very recap.

But when the 30 minutes were up, I was speechless. There were so many questions left unanswered that I didn’t know what to write. I stayed up all night tossing and turning, thinking about Brody’s past with Ryan Cabrera and Stacy’s return to her bartending gig. I woke up this morning hoping for clarity and calm, but found none.

“If only I had Spencer’s crystals,” I thought to myself.

Unfortunately, I do not. Instead, all I have is ten pressing unanswered questions.

1. Why does everyone have to refer to Ryan Cabrera as “Ryan Cabrera” every time he is mentioned?

2. Why did Brody and Frankie have to drive downtown to shoot hoops? Were there not any open basketball courts in the gated communities they live in? Brody doesn’t have a basketball hoop at his bachelor pad?

3. Why did Kristin invite Stephanie to her party? If she’s so mad at her for calling Perez and spreading that whole “Kristin’s on coke” rumor, couldn’t she leave her off the guest list?

4. Speaking of Stephanie, does everyone who gets a DUI get a brand new BMW SUV as a gift?

5. Why are Spencer and Heidi sitting alone outside at Kristin’s party? Do Heidi 3.0’s boobs not fit through the door?

6. Why is Spencer wearing so much jewelry?
7. Does he realize how ridiculous he looks?
8. And a bird feather? WTF? How is a sad, broken bird feather going to give him serenity?
9. How long has it been since he’s taken a shower/brushed his hair?

10. What exactly is a Heidi Montag “surgery hug!”?

Please advise.

Candy Dish: Miley Cyrus is All Growed Up
Candy Dish: Miley Cyrus is All Growed Up
  • 10614935101348454