The 8 People You’ll Meet In the Library During Finals


Finals Week has officially crept into our lives like the Grinch who stole Thirsty Thursdays.  I know I’ve spent the past three days straight camping out in the library, creating classical music radio stations on my Pandora and eating Wheat Thins and coffee for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve showered at this point, but a recent armpit sniff test proves it’s been too long. All I want is a long day at the spa, lots of dark chocolate, and a(n abnormally long) happy hour.

Although Finals Week may be a brutal task, at least it is reassuring to know everybody has to fight through it. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. The library has become a home away from home for many college students, most of whom I could definitely do without.

The Stressed Out Stress Ball
Will someone please get this guy a cigarette? A beer? Something to make him stop pacing around my study table?! It honestly looks like he is going to self-destruct all over his unfinished pie graph. He’s ranting to all of his friends, compulsively scribbling meaningless chicken scratch all over his planner, and won’t stop talking to himself softly under his breath. And the heavy sighing? It. needs. to. stop.

The One That’s There to Socialize
Of all the places on campus you could chat with your friends and flirt with boys, you had to come to the LIBRARY? Why? Why would a room filled with books and college students (who haven’t showered) appeal to you? And what kind of conversations can you have in the library, anyway? “Oh, my God…there are so many, like, books in here.” Go “study” in your room, chatty.

The A-Hole Who Takes Up a Table For Four All For Himself
Oh, that table with four chairs is meant only for you? I don’t know why I thought there might be room for one more, especially considering these are the only 3 chairs left in the entire library. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize your Biology textbook needed its own seat, or that you couldn’t move that fountain pos, Cheetos bags, pile of highlighters, and tyrannosaurus rex. I seriously hope your arm span is longer than the normal human being, because how are you ever going to reach your study guide?

The Sleeper
When someone is going to waste a perfectly good seat near an outlet for an evening snore-sesh, we just cannot be friends.

The Distraction
They’re constantly clicking that pen, coughing up phlegm, getting texts (vibrate doesn’t do sh*t when your phone is on THE TABLE, homeslice), or chowing down on that bag of Sun Chips. If only I could stop twitching in annoyance, I would probably say something. Or throw a book at their head.

The Person Over 40
Seeing someone over 40 strolling around the library is like watching a dog walk around on it’s hind legs. It just ain’t right.

The Couple
They treat their study table like a love seat. Sitting dangerously close, these gems will whisper sweet nothings, pet each other, and giggle sweetly. The only thing they’re studying is each others’ pores. Please, at least get a study room for that shiz.

The Highly Audited Group
Apparently when you put 3-5 people together in a library, they immediately think it is OK to talk louder than the person in the Burger King drive-thru. Their collective laughs sound like they are going to bring the building down atop us all.  Have they not noticed that incredibly loud whispers are ten times more annoying than just speaking?

If I could eat toast and watch Shark Week all day, every day, my life would exceed perfection status.