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The Morning After: Stripper Poles and Philosophy Notes


[Everyone’s got a morning after story and we wanna hear yours! Send it over to us and we’ll post it – anonymously, of course – right here!]

Freshman year actually scares me. Like, for real. The things I did make me wonder how I ever survived it. And here is a story that will make you wonder the same thing. This particular tale takes place on a Wednesday. The day before a big Philosophy exam. And after attending a ball game with some close friends (and overdosing on hot dogs and cracker jacks).

I don’t know if it was the extravagant, vibrant atmosphere of a baseball game, but my close knit group of friends and I came back to our dorms and decided the sky was the limit for us. It was time to drink. And the drink of choice?

99 Berries.

I know, the story should maybe end right now. 99 Berries on a Wednesday sounds lethal. But in a freshman mindset, 99 and Strawberry Ocean Spray might be the most beautiful thing known to (fresh)man. Not to mention the cute boys accompanying us on our journey to Drunk-ville. It just seemed right.

Something else seemed right. On account of my Philosophy exam the next day, and my roommate’s Spanish exam, we thought it would be a brilliant idea to study while drinking. Side Note: Never try this at home.  It never works, and when you start playing drinking games based upon how many times you read the word “Aristotle,” count on getting nothing done.

Anyway, the way we were taking shots you would think we had sprung for Grey Goose. And thanks to the combo of our drinking game and my philosophy notes, Aristotle was getting us pretty messed up. Meanwhile, while being located in a upper classman’s basement, there was a convenient pole that influenced some erotic dancing and the next thing I knew, I was in the bathroom with my friend, blood pouring out of her hand. A pole dance gone awry.

The two words to describe these goings on: hot mess. They really sum up the remainder of this evening. The attempted act of studying was blurred out and replaced by taking the role of Jenna Jameson. Between four girls, the 99 Berries emptied. And the last couple minutes of the evening were spent making out with one of my friends…after he had shoved his face in a birthday cake.

8 hours later...

My roommate shook me awake. I was topless. In my own bunk bed on campus. I had no idea where my philosophy notes were, and my test was in 20 minutes.

Later, I found out someone had vomited all over my Philo notebook.
Even later I got news that I received a B+ on the exam.

Work hard, play hard, baby.

If I wanted you to know, I wouldn't be anonymous!