As I sit elbow-deep in final papers, projects and exams that are all due within the next week, saying I’m counting down the seconds until the end of the semester is the understatement of the year. No. Of the century. But if I relayed that fact to my senior friends that are actually graduating in a couple of weeks, they’d smack me. And after four years of dealing with college guys, they’ve mastered the fine art of b*tch slapping!
The past few weeks, I find myself walking on eggshells around these depressed folk, who mope around campus as though they just lost all their belongings in a level 10 natural disaster, the CW just canceled Gossip Girl, and they found out that Mario Lopez was gay. For real, who woulda thought offering up some Easy Mac would induce a sob-fest? I get that they’re a wee bit on edge about graduating, but really? Over Easy Mac?
If you’re still an underclassmen like me, beware. Heed my advice and avoid any mention of these 8 things when interacting with a senior if you want to avoid a smack in the face, a beer dumped over your head, or just a massive onslaught of tears…
1. “So, have you found a job yet?”
In this economy, probably not, and you want to avoid the awkward “….no” at all costs.
2. “Well you can always wait tables, right?”
You’re twisting the knife. College grads are looking for their dream job, not a 5th summer waitressing at Applebee’s
3. “So, can I have your microwave/futon/Breakfast at Tiffany’s poster?”
No, you can’t. Your senior friend is moving out of her college house into A. her parents or B. an apartment (which her parents are no longer paying for). So even if that Audrey Hepburn poster is not mature enough for her new grown-up pad, you won’t get it due to the pure jealousy that Audrey would be watching you livin’ the dream through her Wayfarers.
4. “God, I can’t think of anything worse than moving back home with my parents”
I can and it’s called “The Death Stare,” which you will be getting in 5, 4, 3, 2…..
5. “So this is like, your last real summer!?”
Summer to us means lounging at home, blurry trips to the beach, and sippin’ cocktails by the pool while logging occasional hours at our minimum-wage job. Summer in the real world means…not that much. 9-5 means every day, no matter the potential for a sweet tan. And reminding them of that is not in your best interest.
6. “What’s gonna happen with you and what’s-his-face?”
If one of your senior friends managed to whip a douchey college guy into boyfriend material, chances are graduation is bringing up some big question marks. Maybe they live states away, got jobs in different cities, or are constantly on edge and arguing. Whatever it is, avoid this topic at ALL costs. Really. All of them.
7. “You’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with all this work anymore!”
Anyone who says this is lying, and anyone who hears it will know it. Along with all the work comes all the unique things you can only experience in college. For example, ditching class to fill up a plastic kiddie pool and drink beer on the first day of spring. I’m only guessing, but it’s probably not okay in the real world to ditch work to fill up a plastic kiddie pool and drink beer on the first day of spring.
Be prepared to get a look dirtier than your feet after a basement frat party if you congratulate a senior on leaving behind the best four years of her life.