We love our mommies. So very much. In fact, I spent all weekend baking, shopping, dancing and watching the Betty White SNL with my beautiful mom for the momentous Mother’s Day. My mom is the coolest, most beautiful, intelligent, sincere woman in the entire universe. She gives great advice and shares clothes with me. Not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.
You know what though? It’s Monday. 9 AM on a freaking Monday. Mother’s day is dunzo, the kitchen is covered in funfetti frosting and I’m here to pick apart all those goofy little sentiments that dear old mom would dole out all through my childhood. Some I hear myself repeating and some just don’t make sense.
10. “They’re just insecure, that’s why!”
Said when you come home crying about the school bully. Not true. Moms are just too tired to explain a sociopath to a child.
9. “Beds are NOT meant for bouncing on!”
8. “A little birdy told me”
Usually a teacher, someone else’s mom or a relative. Damn birdies.
7. “Never go to bed angry”
Unless someone really, really screws you over. Or if it’s over your ex-boyfriend.
6. “Your face is going to stick that way, young lady.”
21 years strong of eye-rolling and sneering and nothing’s stuck, yet.
5. “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover”
Really? Because I can. And I do. And I have a 89% success rate.
4. “If you don’t get dressed, I’m bringing you to school in pajamas!” Pretty sure my mother, the woman who doesn’t own sweatpants, would keel over if I went to school in anything less than a matching sweaterset, bow and leggings. Yes, that still applies to my life today.
3. Santa Clause, the easter bunny, tooth fairy and The Jones Home
“The Jones Home” was a big scary house in Ohio that my parents claimed was a house for the bad kids and threatened to send me there if I misbehaved. They placed false phonecalls bi-weekly.
2. “If you’re too full to finish your dinner, you’re too full for dessert.” Yeah okay, apparently you’ve never experienced the $3.99 chocolate lava cakes that Domino’s has to offer.
1. “You’ll understand when you’re older”
I’m still just as lost as I was when I was 10.