The Hills: Spencer is an Emotional Terrorist

Does that look like a man who would kill you? Why, yes, yes it does.

Um. Wow. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes and I have no idea what the eff just happened on The Hills. And I watched it twice. All I know is I am enraged, so I’m gonna do like Heidi says (which is actually the only thing robot Heidi says) and take a breath.

Anyone got some giant rocks I can hang around my neck/rub on my face?

What the eff happened to Spencer Pratt? Yes, the kid was a huge assface for the first 5 seasons of The Hills, but homeboy has gone absolutely nuts. I wonder if there’s some connection between the length of his hair and his hormone levels? It seems the bigger his fro the more he screams. To be honest, I’m not really sure why everyone is so worried about terrorism in this country when this guy is roaming free.

I swear, I watched Enzo’s birthday party with a blanket up to my face, afraid that Spencer would crack at any moment, kill that poor little lamb he had coaxed onto his lap and shove his cute little head into Holly Montag’s bed. Either that, or he’d somehow convince that elephant (?!) to eat Enzo.

I won’t even get into the fact that Heidi and Spencer threw a birthday party for a bunch of 7-year-olds, or how appropriate a circus theme was for the two biggest circus freaks on the planet. Nor will I discuss how Brody and the boys actually went (“I barely know Enzo.”) or how it was the most fun Spencer’s had in a long time. I merely want to talk about how Spencer sat there and had a Britney Spears meltdown and Heidi just sat next to him and let it happen.

“Take a breath” she says. Because inhaling a little oxygen is going to somehow fix this douchebag and get him to stop verbally raping (his words, not mine) her mom and sister on national television.

And before you get all “they’re just playing it up for the camera and this show is totally scripted,” I have to disagree this time. This episode of The Hills was the most real one ever. And I can say that because I’ve seen every single episode…. and have them all on DVD. Anyways, you may not have noticed, but when Holly went over to Speidi’s House of Horrors the day after Enzo’s Super Sweet 7 and Spencer went totally crazy on her, it was the realest moment in Hills history. As Spencer was blowing a gasket while simultaneously patting himself on the back for not doing what he really wanted to do (for real, I was scared), Holly looks over at the camera guys behind the scenes with a “can you believe this is actually happening?” sort of look. She was scared, embarrassed and visibly uncomfortable.

It was so real, so genuine, and say what you want about The Hills, but I doubt Holly is a good enough actress to pull that off and then break into very believable tears. In fact, I know she’s not. The only thing Holly Montag is good at is getting drunk and dancing up against a window. (Which reminds me – what ever happened to her drinking problem?)

Also, this conversation between Kristen and Audrina just had to be real. I mean, no one could script something like this:

Audrina: I LOVE boots.
Kristen: I think I like these better than the Miu Miu ones, actually.
Audrina: Those are SO cute. Chunky heels are easier to walk in.
Kristen: I know, so much easier…. So how are you and Ryan?

In conclusion: What happened last night was real. Audrina is a ditz, Heidi Montag is a robot with boobs and Spencer Pratt is going to kill us all. Let’s all give Kristen and Brody a big “THANK YOU, jerks” for creating this Speidi monster.

Those two should be taken to Gitmo.

Candy Dish: We’re Not Done With Tyra Quite Yet
Candy Dish: We’re Not Done With Tyra Quite Yet
  • 10614935101348454