Gossip Girl: Jenny Humphrey Ruins Everything

I’d like to start this final GG recap by saying that I am lucky to be alive. Last night’s episode was total dramz from start to finish and not only was my heart racing, but at one point (involving a certain Humphrey and a super special Bass) I accidentally inhaled part of a cookie and had to pause the TV while I choked on it. My life flashed before my eyes and I promised God I’d never eat a sleeve of Chips Ahoy while watching TV again. When that chunky chocolate cookie chunk finally passed, I kept my promise. (The crunching was making it hard to hear the show, anyway.)

WHAT. A. FINALE.

Holy hell, the hits just kept on coming. First we discover Dan and Serena did a little lip-locking, then Jenny sells out her own bro in some evil plot to get Nate to love her perhaps we should send her a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You”?), then Blair finds Jenny in Brooklyn and does probably the meanest thing she’s ever done.

“Nate loves Serena, Dan loves Vanessa, Chuck loves me, but you, no one loves you.” (Or something like that. I was too busy guffawing to really write the quote down.)

Buuuurn, Jenny.
But we’ll come back to that.

Anyways, Blair realizes she does want to be with Chuck, Dorota goes into labor (I won’t question why the entire UES showed up for that, or why Serena was dressed like a hooker [a gorgeous hooker, mind you] when she did), Blair leaves Dorota and takes Chuck up on his offer to meet at the top of the Empire State Building. In neon green shoes. OK, I get that they were Louboutin but NEON GREEN, Blair? Really?

When she gets to the top, Chuck isn’t there. Cue the tears/sneaking a cookie.

Meanwhile, across town, the biggest, most ridonkulous moment in Gossip Girl history is brewing. Jenny Humphrey and her split ends and Chuck Bass and his glass of scotch sit together on the couch. JENNY HUMPHREY AND CHUCK BASS START KISSING. JENNY HUMPHREY AND CHUCK BASS DO THE DIRTY!!

What. The. F**K? How can it be that anyone can come up with Chuck’s apartment at the hotel without being announced? Jenny did it, Blair did it, Georgina Sparks did it. You’d think homeboy would have more security. But that’s not the point. Back to JENNY AND CHUCK. OMG OMG OMG.

I understand why Chuck did it; he’s Chuck Bass.
I understand why Jenny did it; what Blair said resonated with her, she was lonely and just wanted to be with someone.
I just don’t understand why any of this surprised her. She was losing her virginity to Chuck Bass; was she expecting him to profess his love and invite her to move into the hotel with him?  Was it really finding the ring (the big, perfect, gorgeous ring) that he bought for Blair that made her realize it was just sex?

More importantly, does Jenny have any idea how scary she looks when she’s crying with all that makeup on?

I hate Jenny more than ever now and I can’t wait for her to slum it out in Podunk Town, New York. I’d rather have Georgina and her baby (which I’m sure isn’t Dan’s baby, but is there a real baby in there at all?) than even catch Eric skyping with Jenny. She ruined my perfect Chuck/Blair moment.  She hurt Chuck, the only person who still remotely cared about her. Did you see that look on his face? Yup, the tears started once again. Immediately followed by more cookies.

I think that hurt me more than my own most recent break up. Sad? Probably, but it’s not like I was dating Chuck Bass. It was more like I was dating a Justin Bobby.

And if that wasn’t enough, Chuck gets SHOT? And I’m just supposed to sit with that for four months until the show returns in the fall? Cue the sobs.

Those Gossip Girl writers really know how to pull a finale together. If The Bachelorette wasn’t starting next week, I’d be checking myself into a mental institution right now. Let the countdown to Gossip Girl’s return begin.

Candy Dish: Daaaaaamnn, Jennifer Hudson!
Candy Dish: Daaaaaamnn, Jennifer Hudson!
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