Running the Bases, College Style

Was there anything more exhilarating, more energizing, more exciting than grilling a friend over AIM in 7th grade about what base she got to with her boyfriend?  Of course at that point, first base was getting matched up with a guy during an intensive game of M.A.S.H, second base was making out in the back row of a movie theater while your friends sitting next to you giggled, and third base was letting him feel your training bra over your shirt.

Nowadays things sure have changed. Replace an AIM sesh with a hungover brunch recap story and the movie theater make-out with a trip to the closest pharmacy for plan B. These are the bases redefined for our college years.

First Base – Everything is getting hot and heavy on the dance floor and the guy  (Matt? Brett? Pat?) you’ve been dancing with for the past hour suggests you step outside for some fresh air. And in this scenario “step outside for some fresh air” means let me suck your lips off on the front porch while we pretend like there’s not someone passed out in his own vomit next to us. Hands and tongues are flying everywhere and at some point you make the call that it’s totally appropriate to let him unhook your bra, just for a second, like a minute, okay…where is your bra?

Second Base – Wow! You really like this guy ( and you’ve narrowed his name down to Brett or Brad) and you’re ready to take things off the front porch and into a bedroom. But you both live at least a five minute walk away and you’re both way too into each other and at peak drunkness to waste any time walking. So what’s a classy girl to do? Time to head down to the ole frat house basement. After all, you’re totally not into PDA and you would rather have some privacy when he jams his hands down your pants and play the whole “does this feel good when I do this? What do you mean it’s not supposed to feel like a tampon is getting stuck up me?”

Third Base – Okay, you just opened your eyes for a second and spotted ten or so decrepit looking pledges lying around on the basement floor. Not exactly setting the stage for romance. You grab his hand and before you know it you’re on his bed. Time sure flies when you spend the whole walk making out and ignoring comments like “you remind me of my ex-girlfriend.” You ask him if he has a condom and he slickly gets one out of his wallet, rips it open, and struggles for ten minutes to put it on. And then like that it’s over and you hear his roommates coming home. He asks if you want to hang out, get high, and watch South Park. It’s kinda sweet but you’re pretty sure you’re going to throw up and you’re pretty sure your beer goggles are wearing off fast. Like, since when did he have a full-grown beard?

Home – And now it’s time to go to home base. Literally, you’re walking home. Although walking is a strong word for what you’re attempting to do so it only makes sense to take off your heels. A little broken glass never killed anyone. You spot another girl across the street walking with her shoes off. You raise your fist in solidarity because you know exactly where she’s been…but look away once you realize that it’s your sociology T.A. It’s been another great night out at college and you can’t wait to tell your friends that you got a home run. Seriously, you should start running because the sun is coming up and you will not want to see what you look like in daylight.

From PopEater: Chelsea Handler Mocks Her Ex in Comedy Show
From PopEater: Chelsea Handler Mocks Her Ex in Comedy Show
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