You know the drill. Qs to [email protected].com etc. etc. etc.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
So freshman year is coming to close, but with a terrible ending. My best friend here has decided to go chase after the guy I had a history with/crush on at the beginning of the year. I’ve moved on from liking him ever since he clearly rejected me in February and have been able to settle on friendly terms with him even though he really left me in the dirt.
To simply put it, I was humiliated, deeply hurt, angry, and incredibly bitter. I still am if I think about what he did and how he treated me. He strung me along and played with my emotions and knew what he was doing, and then completely rejected me. My friend, this ex-crush, and I have been able to work together and slowly build back a kind of friendship up until now.
Last weekend the so-called best friend and the ex-crush/fling hooked up. I am not incredibly angry by the fact that she did that, but it’s more of a thing where I lost complete trust in her. I had come to her as a friend when I was emotionally distraught and felt bitter and rejected, and I wanted to rant to her about my hatred for this guy, but I found out later that she told the boy everything I said. And then she had also told me she would never go and hook up with him because I had and it would be sloppy seconds. Still, she did this and I asked why she did only to find out that she has liked him also ever since the beginning of the year.
Now they are both attacking me, saying that I’m not being fair in making her choose between me and the guy. They are making me out to be the bad guy that is now just in the way of their love and are asking why I can’t let my friend be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I do want her to be happy, but really, at my own emotional expense, no I don’t. It would really just kill me and feelings of rejection, humiliation, and anger will come flooding back to me to see them together, because I would remember how I had that before and he just flat out made me feel so low and hurt.
I really don’t want to lose her because she is my best friend here at college, but I simply won’t be able to deal with her and the guy together. I told her straight out that I will not choose to hang out with her because it will rehash my old wounds that are still healing. I thought it was just a rule of feminism; you know like Gretchen Weiner said to Cady in Mean Girls, that you don’t go after a best friend’s ex. Yes, he isn’t my ex, but I thought I made it pretty obvious how emotionally attached I had become to him, and she thought I was done healing after a mere 4 months. So should I forgive her? Am I being selfish for making her choose?
–Hurt and Confused
P.S. Also, I live very close to this girl back at home, so I would see her around. Even if I have the entire summer, I’m still not sure it would be enough to completely heal me.
Dear Hurt and Confused,
Are you flooping kidding me?! Get rid of these jerkfaces!
Are you being oversensitive? Yes. Okay, yes, yes you are.
He was just a crush. You’re only 18 (or 19? still). This is not the end of the world. And, frankly, neither of them did anything life-alteringly bad to you.
What the hell is wrong with these people?! Yes, these are not major offenses (so stop crying into your soup, H & C), but why commit them in the first place?! Ex-Crush KNEW he was stringing you along. This makes him a jerk and you just be glad you never got truly involved with him–being in a relationship with a self-absorbed asshoop is certain to be unfun.
But “Best Friend” is just a meanie beanie. Was this the ONLY guy she could go after in your whole school?! She says she has always had feelings for him. Why didn’t she tell you while you were pining after him all that time? Something tells me she’s a liar liarhead. She feels competitive with you. Therefore, she wants what you want. Therefore, when she got it, she won.
And now she has the NERVE to try to make YOU feel bad about it?!
Best Friend is toxic. Get the hell out of that friendship. Don’t have a fight. Don’t freak out at her. Be the bigger person: Call her up, explain to her that she’s hurt you and, whether or not she has to feel that it’s selfish on your part, you are ending your friendship with her. Then be cordial when you see her. REFUSE to fight with her. Be firm and kind, but never again a trusting friend.
And please get over this. You will meet both better friends and better men. These people are not worth your self-pity. You’ll be fine in a few months, but they’ll always be jerks.
Hearts & Skulls,