The Hills: Spencer Pratt, a Real Life Mr. Heckles

"I don't let her use the computer or watch TV. And at night I lock her in a room and pump more silicon into her boobs, lips and brain."

So it seems the people behind The Hills really want to go out with a bang…. and reignite Ryan Cabrera’s failed music career. It worked for Gaga (remember when LC and Whitney had to style her at some event a few seasons back?), so maybe Mr. Cabrera will be donning leotards and selling out stadiums around the world in a few years.

Despite the fact that 25% of last night’s episode was made up of scenery shots and Top 40 hits, the drama was most definitely there. And, as usual, it was all about Heidi, Spencer and whatever weird Hollywood Hills Cult they’ve joined. Like most people watching, I was shocked to see Spencer out of the house (with only 12 versus his usual 200 necklaces) and at the bar with the rest of the crew. I thought he just stayed home, played with his crystals (no, that is not a euphemism) and pet baby goats. But I guess he got a little cabin fever and decided to take his crotchety old man-ness out on the town.

For real: who pissed in this kid’s coffee? I swear, if he makes it past 30 without someone hunting him down, he’s gonna be that old guy who yells at innocent little children (or, you know, his sister in law) to get off his lawn.

It’s a good thing everyone’s stopped worrying about Kristin’s drug problem so they could all talk about spray tanning gather in her house to figure out what the hell they’re gonna do with those two freaks. Nevermind they’re concern for Heidi’s safety, though; I was more focused on how nice Kristin’s place was. Most of the twenty-somethings I know lounge on futons and Ikea furniture – is this what I have to look forward to after I toss my cap in the air? If so, bring on graduation!

But Spencer and Heidi weren’t the only ones stirring the pot. Brody was building a deck of drama cards all his own. On just another night on the town (because what else do these kids have to do?) he tries to get down and dirty with Ms. Patridge. I knew he’d try to work that magic eventually (even though she is clearly dating that real life cartoon character, Ryan Cabrera), but I thought homeboy had more game than:

“There’s some things I want to talk about wit you that I couldn’t say when I had a girlfriend.”

Uh… couldn’t he just buy her some shots, start grinding into the back of her on the dance floor and make out with her in the corner? Isn’t that how most hook ups start these days? Who says that? And what exactly would he say to her if she agreed to have that chat with him? “Uh, I like your boobs,” and “I’d hook up with you….”

Way to let me down, Brode Man. Now I totally understand how you ended up in a crop top at Casa de Kristin. And how you’ll inevitably end up entangled in serious girl drama when Kristin sees you with some other chica. Yeah, she says she’s “really happy being single,” but that’s what every girl says when she wants the guy she’s been in love with for 7 years to think she’s not that into him. I know the truth, though (and not just because I watched the scenes from next week’s episode); that bitch is cray cray and she’ll use those chunky new heels she favors to beat down anyone that gets between her and her Kristin-Jenner-happily-ever-after.

I just hope that somehow, that person is Spencer Pratt.

Candy Dish: We’re Way. Too. Excited. for SATC 2
Candy Dish: We’re Way. Too. Excited. for SATC 2
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