It’s All Uphill from Here, LiLo!

What’s black and white and red all over?  Lindsay Lohan in her jail stripes, of course!  While, no, she’s not getting hauled off to the clinker (yet), she has been handed a court-ordered sentence.  So what’s LiLo’s punishment for evading justice and being a general menace to society?  And more importantly, what does this all mean for regular tabloid coverage of Linsanity and the future of her Hot Mess Reputation?

First, the facts:  Linds has to submit to random weekly drug tests (boring), attend alcohol meetings (boring-er), appear in court again (not going to happen), give up booze (really not going to happen), and wear one of those SCRAM ankle bracelets (she’s been there, done that).  Do I think she’s going to adhere to this “punishment”?  At first, yes.  Then after a half-assed grace period – say two days – she’ll be back to her coke addled self.  Thank God.

Don’t get me wrong; I want to help Lindsay.  I do, really.  But instead of focusing on there here-and-now, I have her career in mind.  And nothing, not even miraculously getting cast in a Scorcese flick (or selling out of her over-priced leggings) could be better for Lilo’s career than her most recent court proceedings.  She’s hit rock bottom.  Her good name is no longer.  The Parent Trap was years ago.  Jane Fonda blacklisted her, and when Jane publicly hates on you, you really know you’re screwed.  While the journey back to star-status won’t come quickly or easily, it’s totally, 100% possible.

Thanks to reality TV.

The film industry won’t touch Linds with a ten foot pole for a good while after this fiasco.  She has a reputation as a high-maintenance, never-there diva.  While this would throw a wrench in any respectable producer’s schedule, reality television would relish the opportunity to publicize every slurred sentence and drunken stumble.

That’s right.  Celebrity Rehab has helped countless lost souls regain their zest for “clean” living.  Dr. Drew is a beacon of hope for big names like Daniel Baldwin (who says he’s the lesser brother?), Dennis Rodman (who, I am proud to announce, is no longer wearing wedding dresses), and hopefully our little Lohan, too.

After rehab comes the weight gain.  We’ve seen it before (Kelly Osbourne, Mischa Barton) and our favorite ginger will be no exception to the rule.  Lindsay will consume mass amounts of Doritos, wearing cheese dust in place of cocaine residue.  Rum and diet cokes will be replaced with mass amounts of sugary orange soda.  Before hawking a new line of spandex, her managers will ask her to drop a few (dozen) pounds and whom do they turn to for help?  Celebrity Fit Club, of course!  She’ll kick box and cry her way to her once-svelte self while hording Oreos under her pillow.  It is in the Club that she’ll perfect her devious ways just in time to rebuild her media empire.

Drum roll, please.  Who better to restructure a failing business than Donald Trump himself?  He and Ms. Lohan will battle it out over self tanner catch phrases every week on Celebrity Apprentice.  Their chaotic relationship will be a beautiful mess, garnering the highest ratings the show has ever seen.

Do I even need to go on? To explain the next obvious step in Ms. Lohan’s comeback tour: Dancing With The Stars? I mean, just look at A.C. Slater, Kelly Osbourne and Buzz Aldrin now! In a few short months, that could be Lindsay dancing her way back into America’s hearts and movie theaters.

Sure, Perez Hilton some people see Lindsay’s new ankle bracelet as a nail in her professional coffin, but not us. We’re realists living in the 21st century. If Rachel Uchitel, Ashley Dupre and Heidi Montag can become household names, things have never been lookin’ better for Lindsay Lohan’s future.

See you on VH1, girl.

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