Gossip Cheat Sheet: Another Break For LiLo, Heidi Has A Gun

Last week it seemed like society would finally be free of one of its hottest messes. Turns out, not so much. Unlike we all thought and hoped,  Lindsay Lohan won’t be going to jail…yet. But this week we learn she might not be quite as down and out as we once thought. At least compared to the other crazies in HWood. And you know I’m loving it. There’s something nice about seeing celebrities that are crazier than you; it makes your dreams of having your own reality show seem like a reachable goal.

What’s Happening:

1. Lindsay Lohan finally made it to court! In fact, the judge postponed her vacation because she knew her replacement would go easy on Ms. Lindsanity. Anywho, Lilo has to wear a SCRAM anklet (so in right now), submit to random drug testing, attend an alcohol education course once a week, and even has to call her probation officer every night! She’s still allowed to take her prescription meds (Adderall and Ambien), but the random drug tests will determine if she’s using those properly (doubtful). I know this seems bad, but I think jail would straighten her up. It worked for Paris. Sorta…

2. Simon Monjack (Brittany Murphy’s husband) passed away this week due to heart troubles. He must have really had a broken heart. His family claims he needed a bypass surgery, but he wanted to wait. Brittany’s family is still insisting that he was crazy and something shady was going on in their house. There were a lot of prescription medications found in his home, but no one is sure what the cause of his death actually was. It’s been ruled as natural causes and Simon will be buried next to Brittany.

3. Gary Coleman was checked into a hospital in Utah for a head injury! Poor guy fell and had to get surgery. He’s now in the ICU. Hopefully he gets better soon, especially since he and his wife are reconciling. Feel better, Gary! Update: Gary Coleman has passed away. So sad, our thoughts are with his family and friends.

4. Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas have split after several months of dating. While each are saying they’re still really close friends and the tour will still go on, I can’t help but think differently. Some sources claim that Joe had his dad break up with Demi for him! She says the breakup didn’t happen over the phone. I say they stop blabbing about their personal lives! Joe probably got freaked out because Demi was going on and on to the media about their relationship. Oh, and Taylor Swift (Joe’s ex) apparently texted Demi when she heard the news and offered support. Awkward?

5. Heidi Montag is armed. I don’t want Heidi Montag to ever be relevant news, but this is a public safety issue now. Heidi wants to be in Transformers 3 so she posted a video of herself shooting targets for Michael Bay. Thankfully for all of humanity, Michael has chosen Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to star alongside Shia (why not me, Michael? WHY?!).

Other Stuff Went Down:

1. American Idol continues to get bad ratings, but Lee DeWyze won! Congrats!

2. Jessica Simpson recently shared that she thinks her show, The Price of Beauty, is “like missionary work.” First: did anyone actually watch that show? Second: I mean, it’s definitely a step up from Newlyweds, but WTF?

3. Even though Kendra’s sex tape scandal really sucks for her and her family, she’s making BANK! $680,000 to be exact.

4. Bad news for Bieber, good news for the marketing team at Windex. Poor baby Biebs keeps running into glass doors! The Biebster ran into a revolving door earlier this week, and he almost ran into another one yesterday. Get it together, kid.

5. Two words: Jake Gyllenhal. You’re welcome.

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