What Man Does To Woo The Woman

A while back I read a column written by the CC Staff listing 7 habits/tactics that women have engrained into their everyday lives that they utilize to “play the game” of attracting men. As far as men trying to attract the opposite sex it was said, “…men have it easy. As far as I know, they approach you and whip out the pick-up line. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.”

Easy? EASY! Does throwing yourself on a bomb sound easy? Does walking on fire sound easy? Is repeatedly opening up your veins easy? Alright ladies, this myth of the moronic man-boy making no effort to prove himself worthy of women is going to come crumbling down.

Let me tell you how easy our lives are in the never-ending pursuit of the holiest of holies…

1.     The Daily Routine
Let’s back into this a little. Ladies, grooming isn’t something we do because we like it. We snip our ridiculous stubble and otherwise awesome mountain man beards because we know you hate them (most of you, the hipsters get away with the Unibomber look). Shaving is a tedious and sometimes painful activity. You know the risks involved: ruining your skin, cutting arteries, and developing hand-eye coordination some are not gifted with. Men are now taking a page out of your playbook and waxing. What are they waxing? EVERYTHING! From eyebrows to back to front to legs and then there’s the sculpting of the testicular area. Manscaping is not for our sense of aesthetic, I assure you. We’d much rather rock the Jesus look with scraggily beards, faux John Holmes mustaches, and growth around our manhood that would make a bush burn from blushing. Shaving and grooming is no longer a market monopolized by you anymore.

2. Pumping Iron
Men don’t exercise to feel better. I’d feel better sitting on a couch watching a Chuck marathon gobbling peanut butter M&M’s with a side of Popeyes chicken. I’d rather save $600 a year for something else, like, rent….so I can live in something other than a box…and be peed on by homeless men named Silas (don’t ask). We rack our bodies with pain every other day (or once ever seven days…every three months, maybe) in order to look good naked. Beach season has arrived and it’s time to show the bait: the six-pack (taking a cue from Ryan Reynolds, go Deadpool movie!)

3.     Develop ESP
Men have been accused of never communicating and withholding our emotions. Well ladies, is it completely unfair to suggest that perhaps you primarily express your anger toward us? Generally men get yelled at for being oblivious. And yes, men can be oblivious. However, more than a few fellas have bent my ear telling stories where they felt persecuted. They pissed off their girlfriends for something they had no idea they were doing. Did their girlfriends give them a warning first? 8 out of 10 times, no. For fear of death men must develop the ability to anticipate what will make you angry because you won’t usually nip it in the bud! Cut us some slack, please, we don’t understand how annoying we are, we just are. Don’t hold it in until you can only give us the evil eyes and banish us to the couch.

4.     The Three Day Rule
Guess what? We hate waiting to call too! You think it’s fun after a kickass date to smother our puppy love with silence for days? All we want to do is call and guarantee the next rendezvous ASAP. But we can’t because we’ve been shamed into thinking that showing interest equates with being an emotional cripple. This is in part due to some stalkers amongst our ranks and massively insecure cold hearts amongst yours. Both genders are at fault here. So what do we do? We talk to every guy we can find, looking for loopholes in the rule to get in touch earlier. We try to anticipate every response to every remark we’re going to say. We actually debate the individual words we’re going to use to ask you out again. We’re planning for an offensive campaign and we assume we’re going into hostile territory. Three days? Why? WHY? If only both sides would come to the bargaining table and rewrite this stupid, antiquated, and harmful belief.

5.     Pretending to care about her Music/TV Shows/Chick Flicks
We can’t stand Project Runway, Gossip Girl (with the exception of ogling Leighton Meester) or 27 Dresses but we care about you.

6.     Pretending NOT to care about her Music/TV Shows/Chick Flicks
We choked up watching The Notebook too and damn if Glee isn’t fun, but if we tell anyone we’re banished to the island on Lost.

7.     Sell Our Souls
Money, money, money, money. We kill ourselves at those crap jobs in offices, hotels, investment firms, and we do that so we could someday bleed green if we wanted. Why? We didn’t grow up wanting to be hedge fund managers. We wanted to Batman! Ken Griffey, Jr! Zack Morris! But no, we have to make money so we can buy cars, clothes, condos, watches, and all other manner of impressive and shiny material possessions in order to attract women. We have to be able to take you on a trip to Hong Kong instead of taking you to the Jersey shore. Men obsessed with money are terrified of having no one to spend it on and the only people we want to make our money work for are you. So we sell our dreams of greatness and immortal achievement for a lifetime of ulcers, anxiety, insurmountable stress, chronic fatigue, and heart attacks. We’ve been convinced that the only way to impress you enough to love us is to buy you with financial security. Then we realize, you don’t love us at all, just what we represent for you…no wonder so many who strike it rich are striking out in the happiness department.

8.     Sacrifice All Dignity
Here’s one of my major pet peeves: Men Must Make The First Move. Period. This has become adopted a priori knowledge (yes, that’s oxymoronic, thank you for picking up on the joke). It is expected that we be the first ones to put our hearts on the chopping block. Is that fair? It is demanded of us to overcome our fears of rejection, sacrificing all sense of power, control, and emotional safety for the chance that you will say “yes.” Is that fair? I think of this as a disservice to you, ladies, because it says that you’re lacking a certain fortitude and confidence in yourselves. This is a great social inequality between the sexes and I am going to go out on a cliff here and say that this discrimination is perpetuated by WOMEN! That’s right, I said it! You want to be on the same level as us then kiss us first, drop the L bomb first, and put it all on the line before there’s any guarantee, when destruction is waiting for you at the end of your next sentence. As soon as the words come off of our lips, when we lean in closing our eyes, place a hand on the small of your back, we have exposed old wounds and are inviting you to put salt in them…the horror.

You get no argument from this dude that what you ladies do to yourselves to be seen as attractive is downright masochistic: brazilians; high heels ruining your ankles and lower back; padded bras covering shame at what god gave you (which is beautiful, no matter cup size); disfiguring your natural beauties with pancake and blush;  starving yourselves on salads when all you want is a skirt steak; and forcing us to make a move by demeaning yourselves in flirtation with random strangers in our eyesight. What you do for us is absurd, what we do for you, is almost tragic.

I propose we open up the lines of communication and put an end to all this subterfuge and self-absorbed neurotic BS. What would happen if we threw the game away? What about rewriting the rules to promote honesty or even just common courtesy? The War of the Roses erupts from misunderstanding by both camps and feeling underappreciated. So now that we know what you go through and you know what we go through, truce? To quote the immortal Al Bundy, “can’t we all just, get along?”

One Month Challenge: Man-Free May, Week 4
One Month Challenge: Man-Free May, Week 4
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