The Hills: The City Where Nothing Really Happens

It took every fiber of my being not to fall asleep during last night’s episode of The Hills. And not because I only slept for four hours on Monday night after an outdoor beer pong tournament went a little longer than expected. That sh*t was just boring. Boooooring. I swear, an 8am Bio lecture would have been more riveting than whatever happened (or did not happen) on The Hills.

Not that I shouldn’t have expected it. When the show started with Kristin and Stacy talking in a salon while two random stylists just sorta moved their hair around, I should have known I was in for a snoozer.

Now that Speidi’s out of the picture (and busy with their “divorce”), MTV’s really scraping the bottom of the drama barrel. You know you’ve got problems when the return of Justin Bobby and his combat boots is the most exciting thing going on. It seems those producers searched high and low for an exciting storyline to round out the final season…. And then gave up. I can only imagine what that production meeting was like.

“OK, so Spencer accused me of sexually harassing Heidi, so they’re out. What do we have now?”

[Crickets.]

“Ughhh. Fine. Let’s just bring in the girl who spells her name all funny who is more boring than LC and then…. Hmmm… I got it! Let’s bring in that 40-year-old woman who broke into Brody’s house a few years back.”

And there you have it. The final season of The Hills.

I have to give it to those MTV peeps, though. I mean, it’s not like they’re not trying. Getting Mckaela a “job” with Lo and having them become BFFs is sure to stir the pot, right? Of course they know (or instructed her to) Lo would invite Mckaela to Steph’s (sober) birthday party, even though every girl who’s ever had a guy friend knows that’s a bad idea. Come on – she’s Brody’s friend first, right? If he wanted LC’s doppelganger there he would have invited her himself. Get with it, Lo.

Rule #1 when having a player guy friend: You don’t get close to the girl until the relationship is official. Otherwise it’s awkward city.

But it was fine; Mckaela came prepared, a la Daniel Staub when she attended that event at the Brownstone, and she brought protection. In the form of a creepy, old looking blonde. And when they walked in, I was pumped. I perked up in my seat, hoping for the first time in 12 minutes that something exciting was going to happen. That maybe there would be a girl fight (with hair pulling and clawing). That producers would have to bust in and pull the girls apart like they do every single episode on The Duel.

But all I got was Brody and Kristin storming out for some late night nookie.
Snooze.

And then if things couldn’t get any more boring, Ryan Cabrera came back to town. From a two week “tour.” And what did Audrina do? Hug him like a 6th grader at a middle school dance and then come up with 12 reasons why they shouldn’t be together. Naturally, because Audrina is the best this kid is ever gonna do now that Ashlee Simpson is married and a mama, Ryan fought back, shooting down every excuse Audrina came up with. And naturally, Audrina’s brain went into overload and she melted down, unable to come up with a response.

So I guess they’re still together?
Snore.

Eventually the show ended, Kristin and Mckaela met up for a drink (which no one paid for) and I passed out on my couch like a little baby with a belly full of warm milk.

So in the end, I guess the show wasn’t a total loss; I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

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