The Morning After: The Non-Date

[Everyone’s got a morning after story and we wanna hear yours! Send it over to us and we’ll post it – anonymously, of course – right here!]

My friend’s parents were out of town a few weeks ago and, naturally, she threw a party. Between beer bongs on the deck, I started talking with one of the other party-goers. She told me about a great guy she knew that she thought would be perfect for me. “I’m going to have him Facebook you. You have to go out.” Being the perpetual single girl, I was excited at the prospect. Especially when she told me he was tall, cute and funny.

So when I woke up the next afternoon (it was a crazy night) to find a Facebook friend request from him, I did a little undie-dance around my room.

We had our first date a few days later. We met up for drinks and really hit it off. He was a little bit into himself, but I just wrote it off as a first date thing; everyone tries to sell themselves on the first date. Plus, he was tall, cute and funny, so I was a smitten kitten. Three hours later, he was picking up the tab (a very good sign!) and giving me a kiss on the cheek goodnight.

“I had a really great time tonight,” he told me. “I can’t wait to do this again.”

We spent the next two weeks emailing back and forth (and Facebook stalking each other…), but due to conflicting work and family schedules, we were unable to meet up. Finally, after being out of town for Memorial Day weekend, the boy emailed me and asked me if I was free on Thursday. I was and we made plans to meet for another drink.

I straightened my hair, put on makeup and picked an outfit that was cute but didn’t look like I was trying too hard. Then I threw on a necklace that I knew would draw attention to my cleavage and headed out to meet him.

He kissed me hello, then put his hand on the small of my back as he led me to the table. “You smell good,” he told me. Things were going well.

And then we sat down.

Homeboy spent the first 15 minutes of our date talking all about his awesome weekend away. I tried to get a word in, either to comment or mention something about me, but it was impossible. It was his show and I was merely there to watch. But that’s OK, because pretty soon I was speechless.

“I met an amazing girl this weekend,” he told me. “She lives long distance, but it’s totally worth it. I’ve just never had a connection like that with anyone.”


“The only problem I have,” he continued, “Is telling the girl I’ve been dating here that I don’t want to see her anymore.”

That girl was not me.

I didn’t know what to say and for the first time all night, he actually wanted me to speak. He was ASKING ME FOR ADVICE! On starting a long distance relationship! And ending another relationship! WHILE ON A DATE WITH ME.

I started replaying everything that had happened with him in my head and none of it made sense. He asked ME out. He wanted to see ME. At what point did I hint that I didn’t want to date him but actually wanted to be his personal dating advisor? What. The. Eff?

I chugged my beer and tried to play it cool. I weighed in on his personal dating dilemma. I prayed for someone to call me so I could get the hell out of there. Eventually the waitress came over and asked if we’d like another round. I said no. Then the boy excused himself to go to the bathroom.

“Are you going to be here when I get out?” He asked, jokingly.
“Nope,” I answered matter-of-factly. He laughed, too dense to clearly understand the situation. “Well, then I’ll just wait and go at home.” Then he threw down some cash for the drinks, gave me a monster hug and kiss on the cheek and told me, “We definitely have to do this again” before we parted ways.

He probably went home to pee and probably Skype with his long distance girlfriend. I went to my friend’s house and proceeded to chase beers with Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. Why does this stuff always happen to me?!

Candy Dish: Lady Gaga in Playboy?
Candy Dish: Lady Gaga in Playboy?
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