An Open Letter to Kristen Stewart

Dear Kristen Stewart,

You’re kinda new to this whole superstar thing.  I get that.  Sure you did movies before, but ever since Twilight’s wild success, your career has completely taken off.  I’ve read a lot of interviews wherein you say odd things (“I don’t want to make movies for kids, and I don’t want to make movies for adults either.”) and you’re more than awkward when people ask you questions.

Still, I want to like you and for a brief minute, while blinded by the bearded hotness that is Emile Hirsch, I decided I didn’t mind you in Into the Wild.  Funny thing happened, though.  He walked off screen and then it was just you in a dirty tank top and I in my living room and suddenly I hated you again.  Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.  Perhaps you just need a little guidance from someone with a different perspective.  Well, I’d love to help you.

First, you need to stop telling people you’re pregnant and/or a lesbian.  So you don’t want to admit to maybe dating your costar.  Fine.  But do so tastefully and with offending the smallest number of people possible.

Smile.  If I have to look at your face on nearly every single website I visit and in all the magazines I pick up, then please, for the love of sparkling vampires, pretend that you don’t hate your life.  You are the only girl I know who could stand on the red carpet wearing a Dior dress, surrounded by gorgeous men, and scowl.  Snap out of it.

E-nun-ci-ate.  You’re a mumbler.  A head down, eyes averted, hand wringing, digging the toe of your shoe into the freaking dirt, grade-A mumbler.  Seriously, your movies and television appearances require subtitles.  Who are your PR people?  Do you have a handler?  How about a best friend?  Find someone to pinch you every time you don’t speak clearly.  Maybe a shock collar will do the trick.  I don’t know, but find something fast.

Put on a little makeup.  Not a ton, like when you do those red carpet coon eyes.  And not none, though I know this is how you’re most comfortable.  Tinted lip balm, blush, mascara.  Three things.  Not scary.  Do you really want to go for the gold here? Shampoo your hair and wash your face at the end of each day.  You’re young.  Look fresh and clean, not haggard and unhygienic.

Dress like a female.  Little girls everywhere thought you were so hot when you were cast to play Edward Cullen.  Then, when you appeared on screen kissing Robert Pattinson, they realized either a) you weren’t a dude or b) they had grossly misinterpreted the plot of Twilight.  Cutoff black tees and ripped jeans may work for some people (Hells Angels, the cast of Flash Dance, AC Slater), but you need to tone down the “I’m in the midst of a sex change” vibe you send out.

Kristen, look, I’m not asking you to change who you are.  I’m sure deep down you’re a lovely, cheerful, charming young woman.  Actually, I highly doubt that.  You’re probably just as blasé on the inside as your perpetually bored face and signature dead eyes lead us to believe.  But lighten up a little.


Would You Rather…
Would You Rather…
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