The Hills: Ryan Cabrera Out, Justin Bobby In

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach.

But I also know that Kristin and JB were a huge point of drama last season and now everyone’s acting as if it never happened. And it did. KK can’t be all buddy buddy with Audrina now and talk to her about her relationship with Justin (much like she can’t pull off that Gucci bathing suit she was sportin’….) after she shoved him in Audrina’s face last year. And why isn’t it awkward city between the two of them? Huh?

Whew. It feels good to get that all off my chest. So therapeutic…

Now I can get to the real “meat” of the show. Which, oh wait, is pretty much all about Justin Bobby. There was a little something in there with Allie and Mckaela, but even thinking about that storyline puts me in a coma. And there was also a giant, nappy weave on Kristin’s head at the Nylon party but thinking of that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh, and Steph had a date and told him what he probably already discovered on Google. So let’s just focus on the good stuff.

Like when Justin showed up at Les Deux. (BTW, how great is it that they’re going back there again? It’s like the Peach Pit of The Hills and they’re really bringing this show full circle by returning to their stomping grounds from LC’s first months in L.A.). So Justin rolls in, shakes Audrina’s hand and then expresses his Ryan Cabrera disdain to Brody:

“That girl deserves the world.”  Apparently in Justin Bobby land, “the world” is a guy currently sporting a bouffant who burps on dates, cheats on her, and lies to her face for three years.

“He’s a rock and roller, dude. Women will be around.” Uh, not to be nit picky, Justin, but trust me on this one: no he’s not and no they won’t.

I mean, did you see the kid performing? Audrina did. And she cried. At first I thought maybe it was because she had just cheated on him with Justin Bobby (Why else would she show up late with a messy ponytail on top of her head??) and felt all guilty when she saw how sweet and innocent he was, but then I realized it was probably because her boyfriend was singing a 2003 MTV hit in a pair of white skinny jeans to a “crowd” of 1,000 people.

Girl, I’d cry too. And I’d probably put an end to things as well. She’s got a reputation to keep (not to mention ratings to maintain) and everyone knows Ryan is killing it for her. He’s a nice guy, yes, but Audrina doesn’t like the nice guy. She likes the faux-philosophical, greasy, smelly, jerky guy. And unfortunately for Ryan Cabrera and the career he was hoping to save by getting on this show, that guy just rolled back into town. On his bad-ass motorcycle. That doesn’t even have a seat.

Let’s see if Cabrera can do that….without getting his white skinnies dirty.
Till next week, peeps!

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