The Bachelor‘s been on so long that it’s starting to look more dated and more scripted than the always-classy Blind Date series of the ’90s. Dating shows in general have become boring and stale. Because, let’s be honest, no one wants to watch one more good-looking-average-Joe go on dates. No, we want to watch full-fledged A-list celebrities who spend more time in tabloids than in the movies and on stage find true love. And of course by true love we mean a relationship that lasts at least three months, tops.
So here’s our plan for the future of reality television. Would you watch? Wait, who are we kidding? Of course you’d watch. If “The Little Chocolatiers” can make it, so can these:
The OXYGEN network and ThxMom4MakingMeFamous productions are proud to present their newest reality show, How to Meet a Tabloid Hound in 10 Days, starring America’s Sweetheart circa 2005, Kate Hudson. Over the course of ten episodes Kate Hudson will date several A-list Hollywood bachelors as she attempts to find one who will ensure she’ll at least get the cover of Star 3 times a month. Each week she’ll narrow down the competition by handing each eligible tabloid hound one of her many rom-com DVDS. (“Will you watch my movie with me?”)But not for dramatic effect, more because no one bought them and the studio’s begging her to find a way to get rid of them.
This Fall on MTV2, Heidi Montag will search for love among the many unlicensed plastic surgeons of the Hollywood Hills on the soon-to-be-hated hit show Boob Jobs & Heart Jobs. She’ll go on several completely scripted dates with anyone who has access to a scalpel and silicone. And each week will be filled with tension when she eliminates people by handing them photos of herself-pre-plastic-surgery-palooza as well as a recording of her single “Body Language.” Harsh, Heidi!
Coming this September on TVLand is a new dating show so outrageous and so offensive that the FCC is already getting complaints. The original Lady Gaga, Madonna, will be searching for love on the show What Would Jesus Do. Throughout the season she’ll go on dates with various young models named Jesus. How will she decide who gets to stay and who gets to go? Well the first person to start crying/vomiting during the daily “Stare at my unnatural arms” competition will be asked to leave. The unlucky person will find out he’s a goner when he doesn’t receive a Botox shot during the elimination round.
This year Youtube and Twitter are coming together for an unprecedented dating show that will make you question the song “your body is a wonderland” for the rest of your life. John Mayer stars in Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, a completely original dating show where John Mayer effectively dates himself by dating various mirrors of all shapes, sizes, and colors. During the elimination round, he’ll hook-up with the mirrors he wants to stay and then sell the details to whatever tabloid will pay him.
Fueling more rumors that TLC has a pact with the Devil, they’ve unsurprisingly present yet another show featuring the completely unlikable mother of 8, Kate Gosselin. Kate No More Masturbate will feature the “woe is me” single mother going on several dates with grown men who act like little boys. At the end of each episode she’ll gather them all on the interview chair and hand out her children to the men who advance to the next round. Pennsylvania’s child abuse council is already on high alert.
Who says CBS is for grandparents!? This fall season, they are proud to give America a show that will warm your hearts… by reminding you that it really was for the best that you weren’t a child star. Lindsay Lohan will star in a show titled LiLo-Ve that follows the soon-to-be-felon as she tries to date guys while fooling her ankle bracelet into thinking she’s sober. At the end of each episode she’ll gather her rag-tag group of men, women, and dogs and give each contestant her a bag of sh*t to light on fire on her dad’s doorstep. Didn’t receive the flaming poo bag? Looks like you’re going home. Please note that this show was taped in June so it’s premiering this fall whether the talent is dead or alive.
Get ready red states because FOX NEWS is entering the world of reality television. Famed teen mom Bristol Palin will date teenage men in a show called Can You Afford Child Support Because My Mother Only Pays Attention to Me When She Needs to Make a Point. Every week she’ll date various aspiring Playgirl models in an effort to see who has the best connection with her child. What’s her elimination strategy? She’ll hand every contestant that she wants to remain a pamphlet on abstinence taped to a box of condoms.
Justin Bieber Needs a Doctor
Discovery Health gets in on the teeny-bopper scene with their new show, Justin Bieber Needs a Doctor. No seriously the kid needs a doctor. Bieber Fever is officially an epidemic and the only conceivable cure is to find the kid a reputable doctor. Each week he’ll go out on a chaperoned date with various pediatricians who will present him with their scientific cures and/or home remedies for Bieber Fever. Each week he’ll eliminate one doctor by flicking his hair in the direction of those he wants to stay.
In an unheard of event, every major network will work together to bring you the show Troubles in Therapy, a dating show about Kristen Stewart‘s search for an anti-anti-depressant that will make her look even more moody and disheveled than ever. She’s given full approval for the show as long as the networks don’t mind when she complains about how much she hates the show. What’s her elimination secret? She’ll hand all the lucky contestants a lock of her greasy hair.
Lifetime’s new teen girl network LifetimeLittleLadies brings you the show that’s sure to be a hit this season. Taylor Lautner stars in Shirtless Love,an innovative dating show where Taylor Lautner spends every single episode topless. The women will spend the majority of the episodes staring at his abs and actually attempting to wash clothes on them. At no point will his face be featured on camera. He’ll eliminate woman by bringing them into a private room and putting his shit on. Burn.
And EXTRA EXCLUSIVE, The TV Guide channel just bought exclusive rights to still unnamed Suri Cruise dating show debuting in 2011. While the exact premise is still being developed, potential contestants are being assured that her height won’t be an issue. But is it ever an issue when you own 500 pairs of heels?