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The Hills: They’re on a Mother F***ing Boat

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There’s not much to say about the 99th episode of The Hills.

Audrina broke up with Ryan. Allie and Kristin had a fight at a club. The group went boating. And Justin Bobby came.

And that’s it.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the awkward break-up scene between Ryan (Cabrera) and Audrina, there would really be nothing worth talking about. Thankfully, these two had the most vague and pointless conversation in The Hills history (and that’s saying a lot), which made this episode worth sitting through. Tweedle Double D and Tweedle Spiky hair said a whole lot of words (presumably to fill up the time usually allocated to Speidi), but said nothing at all.

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what was really going on though:

Ryan asks Audrina why she left his “concert.”

What Audrina said: “It was a little uncomfortable.”
What Audrina was really saying: “I just came from hooking up with Justin Bobby and then I saw you standing there… in tight white jeans.”

What Ryan said: “I was so thrown off. I’m trying to make us work, and…”
What Ryan was really saying: “Please don’t leave me. I was just starting to make my comeback. I need you and this show. After Ashlee left me for Pete Wentz I had nothing to live for. And then your boobs came into my life and you’re the only girl dumb enough to find my hair attractive.”

What Audrina said: “It just…it doesn’t seem to be going smoothly.”
What Audrina was really saying: “I don’t know how else to tell you I find you repulsive and annoying without hurting your feelings. Justin Bobby is so much hotter than you.”

What Ryan said: “Yeah I just don’t know how to properly move forward…you know. I know you’re dealing with a lot of stuff that’s hard for you to deal with but I think it’s the smartest thing is just to take a second and think, ‘can we make it work?’”
What Ryan was really saying: “I want to go up to my room and cry into my stuffed dog right now, but I need to get paid so I’m going to say a lot of vague things with lots of words so we can make this conversation last a little bit longer.”

What Audrina said: “We talked about making things work together and working out issues and it seems like there’s always something.”
What Audrina was really saying: “There’s not really something, I’m just over you. But I need to keep talking/staring awkwardly over your shoulder until producers tell me we’ve got the shot.”

What Ryan said: “I don’t really know how to, you know, fix the problem.”
What Ryan is really saying: “I actually have no idea what the problem is, but you are making no sense… I can’t believe I wasted a glass of wine on you.”

What Audrina said: “It’s just something that, I guess….”
What Audrina was really saying: “Uh…I don’t know what to say now. A little help? [Looks at production team.]”

What Ryan said: “You think we’re done.”
What Ryan was really saying: “Well, I guess it’s time to head back to obscurity.”

And time for Audrina to get on a boat and talk about love and relationships with a turtleneck-peacoated Justin Bobby. I was hoping, wishing, waiting for something to happen (not a kiss…more like JB falling in the water), but then the show ended. Harumph.

Let’s hope something (ANYTHING) exciting happens for the 100th episode of The Hills. The cast will be in Costa Rica for the big event so maybe Kristin will attempt to smuggle drugs back into the U.S.? Spencer and Heidi will pop out of the jungle while running from another season of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here”? Brody will refer to Kristin as his sister, thus admitting that he’s been crushing on Kendall for years?

Meh. After the poor showing all season, I’m not holding my breath for anything but boredom.

COLLEGECANDY Writer
When my mom moved me into my dorm freshman year she left me $65 to buy a humidifier. I took that money and bought a pair of heels because I can sleep without damp air blowing in my face, but I can't rock a humidifier with a hot black mini.