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10 Easy Ways to Kill The Mood…Fast

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Well that's over.

Hooking up in college is similar to navigating a minefield.  You never quite know what you’re getting into or when it’s all going to go horribly wrong.  Often the best of intentions turn out to be the most humiliating moments of your life.  Here are the Top 10 Mood Killers you’re likely to encounter during your career as a collegiate bed hopper.

1. The iTunes Snafu
You actually made the bed, lit a few candles, and put on a new…outfit.  Everything is set up to be the most romantic night of your college life.  You hit play on the ultra-sexy playlist you made just as you and your guy fall into bed.  Two songs into it, however, and all of a sudden there’s a familiar female voice asking for directions to el baño.  Wha?  You both pause, wondering if some how you’ve been transported to a brothel in Rio.  Then you realized you must’ve added your Spanish 101 lesson to the mix by accident.  Suddenly Professora Diaz became a third party in this would-be intimate moment; class will never be the same.

2. Man Down
Cosmo encourages trying new things in the bedroom, as does every relationship self-help book in Barnes & Noble.  In an effort to keep things fresh, you pick a move that looks easy enough.  After all, your legs are pretty flexible…it shouldn’t be to hard to get them in that position, right?  Somewhere between getting your ankle dislodged from around his neck, you feel your grip on the headboard slipping.  Fuu…! And you’re on the floor.

3. Alright, Who Did It?
The two of you have found a great rhythm and you’re almost there when all of a sudden- what was that!?  Before you can think, you blurt out, “I swear I didn’t fart!”  That’s when things come to a screeching halt and you know he won’t be coming back for seconds any time soon.

4. He said what?
Everyone knows that in the throes of passion, people often get carried away.  You can’t always be held accountable for the faces you make and things you say, but sometimes you hear something that makes you want to remove your hand from…well…and scratch your head.  It’s one thing to yell out the standards, but as soon as you find a dude who screams “tuna sandwich!” or “toy pony!” it’s time to stop what you’re doing and run for the hills.

5. Oh, Sara…I mean Christi.
Similar to the awkward word shout out, being called the wrong name during sex puts out that fire faster than Joaquin Phoenix in Ladder 49.

6. Sit, Stay, Avert Your Eyes!
You thought you upgraded as soon as your boyfriend moved out of the frat house and got his own bedroom in an apartment he shares with his buds.  Too bad the roommate’s dog figured out how to get the door open.  Try enjoying the moment with Cujo staring you down.

7. Squish!
Oh, the never-ending charms of college men.  In an impromptu moment of lust, you two decide to get down and dirty right on his living room floor.  In the search for some foot traction, you throw out a leg only to step in something wet and slippery.  Did he…already…on the carpet?  You look down through one eye and see your newly polished toes sunk into a corner of abandoned leftover pizza.  Guess someone’s missing dinner tonight.

8. Umm…should this itch?
The great thing about college is that you’ve got a lot of men to select from.  The bad thing about college is that these men have a lot of women to select from, too, and these dudes aren’t too picky.  All this mixing and matching can lead to undesirable results.  Half way through the act, if he tries to tell you any itching you may feel is “totally normal,” take this as a red flag and don’t bother finishing.

9. At Least You Don’t Pay Rent…
You met the absolute perfect guy at the bar.  He’s on the lacrosse team, has the most gorgeous blue eyes, and is totally into you.  Naturally you went back to his place to see if his game is as good off the field as on, and so far you’re not disappointed.  He warns you to keep it quiet, but you just figure his roommates are light sleepers.  Accidentally, things get a little noisy, though, and a head pokes in the door asking if anyone wants midnight snacks.  In a flash, an unexpectedly older woman screams, you shriek and grab for the sheet, and Prince Charming shouts, “God, Mom!  I texted you I had company!”

10. Two Forms of ID, Please
One day you run into the cutest guy on campus.  You’ve never seen him out before, and he’s definitely not in any of the frats.  Maybe he just doesn’t drink.  How cool, a mature guy.  You could use more people like him in your life.  After chatting him up by the fountain a few times, you invite him over to your room Friday night for a movie.  Turns out Big Fish is a big snooze and the two of you resort to a hot and heavy make out sesh on your futon.  As you grab for his belt buckle, he says he’s got to be home by ten.  “Your dorm has a curfew?” you ask.  He says no, he’s still in high school and that he just cuts through campus as he walks home everyday.  The words statutory rape flash through your head as you picture a life behind bars.

COLLEGECANDY Writer