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Dear Tuffy Love,
I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about a year and a half now. His mom and I have had a good, but sometimes strained, relationship. She has some resentment towards me for “taking her baby away”; you know, the usual mom-problems.
Yesterday, my boyfriend’s dad pulled him aside and said he noticed that I sometimes wear “very short skirts” and asked my boyfriend “what his opinion on it was.” My boyfriend told him that he hadn’t noticed and didn’t have an opinion. He asked his dad why he was asking and his dad said that he didn’t notice but his mother had said something about it.
While I do dress stylishly, I never dress inappropriately. Besides that fact, it’s summer. It’s 80-90 degrees out. Really? Even then, I’m not one to show off my junk like that, and I always make sure my skirts cover me appropriately. Besides that, the few times I have worn skirts that wouldn’t exactly be appropriate for church, I always balance them with a cardigan or more conservative top. They aren’t a religious family or even very conservative, so I don’t know what gives.
Is it just that his mom is jealous? She’s a pretty big woman and wears almost exclusively Walmart clothes (not very flattering or stylish), and she used to have a nice body. Is she just upset that I dress nicely and she can’t wear short skirts anymore (she’s in her fifties)?
I don’t really know how to handle this situation, but I feel really insulted. Besides that, I feel really embarrassed. I’m always careful with what I wear and I can’t even imagine offending anyone with how I dress. Is it just that no one is going to be good enough for her baby, or is this something I should really be worried about?
Help me please!
The Short-skirted Floozy
Dear The Short-skirted Floozy,
Oh no she didn’t!!
Well, welcome to the Pre-Mother-In-Law-Hell that is long-term dating. Tuffy’s lil’ ol’ guess is that she’s being overbearing and, no matter what you wear, she’s gonna find a way to call it slutty.
That said, you want to approach this carefully. After all, this is the woman who sent your boyfriend through the slip-n-slide we call “the birth canal” and out into the world. Do you really want her to hate you?
Answer: NO! Because, like it or not, if she hates you, he hates you.
Sorry. Men love their mothers. It’s actually quite a nice quality. But if you start acting as bootchy to her as she is bootchy to you, well, inevitably, he will end up on her side. I absolutely promise you that.
So what’s a short-skirted gal to do? Well, this:
NEVER WEAR A SHORT SKIRT AROUND HIS MOTHER AGAIN. I am so not kidding. I know it sounds like you’re letting her win, but, ah, no, there’s where you’re mistaken! You see, girl, Tuffy Luv once had a pre-mother-in-law like this. And lil’ ol’ Tuffy wants to see you win. For REAL real.
So what you do, see, is that you look absolutely perfect and absolutely conservative every single time there’s any chance you might see her. You button up that shirt, girl! You make sure that skirt hits you at the knee! And you smiiiiiiiiile like an angel every single time she speaks. Because you are going to be The Perfect Girlfriend For Her Son.
You are going to be so beautiful and conservative and kind that every mother will poop her pants wishing you were dating her son. You will bring cookies to their house “just because.” You will listen attentively to their Old People Stories. You will be kind and gracious. And, furthermore, you will often ask your boyfriend, “How is your mother doing?” Because he, too, must know that you are the one who is in the right. NEVER speak bad of his mother. When she speaks badly of you, he will feel all the more loyal to you and your kind, sweet ways and NOT to the vicious woman who is attacking you.
And then, then when you are an absolute angel to her and you look more gorgeously conservative than floopin Grace Kelly, then when she complains about some made-up thing that you’re obviously not doing, everyone will be ON YOUR SIDE.
And, you know, when she’s not around, skank it up. You gotta keep the boyfriend interested, you know.
Hearts & Skulls,