A long time ago, on an enchanted island known to outsiders by its distinctive accent and an overwhelming amount of extremely assertive residents with surgically enhanced noses, there lived an evil couple, Michael and Dina, hellbent on becoming famous despite having no talent. So one night they decided to forgo the sponge or the IUD or whatever birth control was hip in the ’80s and gave birth to Princess Scram Bracelet.
They fed her a healthy diet of cocaine formula, Ambien-laced pacifiers, and straight-up vodka breast milk in hopes she would one day fulfill her destiny of becoming America’s favorite lil drunken mess. And oh did she ever!
As she rose to fame, went on cocaine-inspired car chases, got kicked out of clubs, and sentenced to jail, so did her parents. Because the evilest part about them was the worse Princess Scram Bracelet got, the more interviews they got on Larry King and in Star Magazine. So they encouraged her Twitter rants, her nail polish essays, and her generally irrational behavior in hopes that one day Michael could wear sleeveless mesh t-shirt on national TV and that Dina could have her own talk show as the White Oprah.
Think this fairy tale is nothing more than a made-up story? The proof is below.
1. The Carvel Card Scandal of 2010 – Dina is what many doctors and WebMD interns call an egotistical bitch. So when LiLo received the Carvel black card last year that entitled her to unlimited ice cream forever, Dina snatched it out of her hands, and began using it for herself. (Lilo hasn’t been hungry since she started doing lines in 2004, after all. You can’t let that thing go to waste!) The Carvel employees grew tired her illegally using their black card to eat nonstop Carvel when she could very well afford to just pay for the cones herself and took it away from her. Rather than responding rationally and paying for the ice cream cake she wanted that day, she called the police, and claimed Carvel stole her black card. The police shook their heads, regretted ever choosing to work on that enchanted island, and told Dina to pay for her $12.99 cake herself.
2. Clubbing with Underage LiLo – You can’t get famous for being a drunken mess by sitting at home on Saturday nights. And Mother Dina knew this all too well. So even though the young LiLo was not of age and even though it’s considered extremely poor parenting in most parenting books, Dina would get herself and Linds all dolled up for a night on the town. Each time she would buy Linds another shot she would cross her fingers that one day soon her precious money bag of a daughter would turn to harder drugs. And that those harder drugs would turn into top selling tabloid stories about rehab rumors and death countdowns.
3. Nose Jobs For The Spare Daughter – Dina may be pure evil, but she’s certainly not an idiot. She knewPrincess Scram Bracelet plan wasn’t foolproof and she was determined to fix the odds by having 3 spare children always laying around. But the problem was that she didn’t realize that the spare daughter would not be as blessed in the looks department. So just in case Linds pulled the now cliche “I’m a young, dead, overdosed” celebrity stunt, she supposedly fixed up little Ali’s nose so that she wouldn’t look quite so scary looking. One ridiculous reality show and CD release later, she secured Ali’s spot as a potential celebutard.
4. Public Fighting With the Ex – Like all perseverant famewhores, Michael and Dina realized that they would never make it on Hollywood if there wasn’t always constant family turmoil brewing at home. So they did what all good parents did and divorced. But a divorce wasn’t enough, so Dina and Michael schemed that the best way to really push Linds over the edge would be to constantly fight out their personal issues through the tabloids. No child support issue or domestic abuse claim was too private to keep in the family. After all what would Linds have to Tweet about if her parents behaved like parents?
Hm, maybe we were wrong about this whole Lohan incarceration situation. Turns out, it’s Dina who deserves the jail time.