The minute, and I mean the minute, I spotted Britney Spear’s discolored blond extensions on the cover of Cosmopolitan this month, I grasped the magazine tightly in my fingertips, sighed extravagantly and hugged my copy. This means I get to read one of those famous Cosmo Quizzes filled out by B. Spears!
Which is so rad.
Except, is it just me or is Miss Spears just not the same as she used to be? She’s like the girl in high school who got pregnant after graduation and you saw her at your high school reunion wearing Candies. Oh, wait (hehe). It’s OK Brit Brit; at least you didn’t scribble down “Beating Cars With Umbrellas” as an answer for “I Feel Most Powerful When…”
Anyway, after dissecting every word from Britney’s personally written interview, I moved on. I predictably and shamelessly scanned the waxy pages of Cosmo and came across some of those “classic” [i.e. New Sex Survey!] Cosmo articles. Amongst the extensive sex advice lived an incredibly pointless list of “Straight-to-DVD Movies We’d Like to See” in which Cosmo completely created a list of ‘fake’ movies [i.e. a movie called; Vice Versa which features George Clooney and Justin Bieber]. This movie allows the two to switch bodies so it would be less creepy for grown women to sweat over Justin Bieber. One question, Cosmo: What grown women are actually breaking a hot sweat over J-Beebs?
Another one of my favorite articles was an entire spread dedicated to analyzing John Mayer’s G-Spot Geometry. Need I go any further? For the sake of your well-being and mine, probs not. But I will share another article with you, because I think it is so LOL-worthy. It’s called, “Feel Sexier Instantly: 50 Quick Tricks.” Great, a list! All the better and easier to poke fun, my dear!
Cosmo Says: Drop lusty words like passionate and stimulating into conversations.
Brittany Says: I can see it already – the future conversation with my boss. Cute.
Cosmo Says: Midday, get your blood circulating with this sexy-house-kitten stretch: Arch your back so your butt sticks out, and lengthen your arms over your head. Ahhh….
Brittany Says: If this feline gesture were in the privacy of your bedroom, then OK. But according to this ‘quick trick’ you should perform it midday. Out of general human behavior experience, I’m either in the classroom or the office. And I doubt my co-workers and classmates are going to appreciate my innate cat imitation a few feet away from their face. Meow.
Cosmo Says: Do some quick Kegels at your desk – maybe while your boss is yapping away and boring the bejesus out of you.
Brittany Says: Cosmo, stop trying to turn the office into a soft porn DVD. Do you get it? Just because your boss is yapping, that does not constitute yapping your southern yapper. Save that business for yoga class.
Cosmo Says: Open the shades in the a.m. The burst of sunlight will instantly wake you up. Plus, the chance that the neighbors may see you in all your naked glory will give you a bad-girl buzz.
Brittany Says: This illuminates every motivation of a Peeping Tom (we don’t call it Wide-eyed Tom for a reason). I get a good enough ‘bad-girl buzz’ from raiding the cookie jar anyway. Thanks, though.
Cosmo Says: Don’t jump out of bed. Spend a few minutes rolling around, tousling your hair, and nuzzling the pillows and blanket.
Brittany Says: Once I finally stopped laughing at images of myself doing this, I decided the person that wrote this article owns too many cats.