Guess who decided to up and pull a diva move? No, Mariah Carey isn’t castrating an intern for bringing her flat water instead of sparking (though, probably she is). It’s those darn Jersey Shore kids! Rumor has it that before the second season has even premiered, they’re fighting for salary raises, refusing to do a third season unless their demands are met. That name brand hair gel must really cost a lot.
Well you know what? I don’t think MTV should give in to the whims of these petulant guidos and guidettes. I mean, why are they even famous in the first place? It’s time to get the real stars “down the shore”. Bring in the spray tan guns, I’ve got some replacements!
Pam Anderson as JWOWW
This would work for two really big reasons. No, not those reasons. First, both Pam and J are tough as nails. Would you want to run into either of them in a dark alley or under the boardwalk? These biatches would grab you by the extensions like your head was the last sparkle tee at a Bebe sale. Second, I’m pretty sure they’re the only two women on the planet who think they’d make good fashion designers. Yes, Pammy and Ms.Woww both have clothing lines.
Brody Jenner as Vinny
“Ma, my chicken parm needs cuttin’! And bring me a little more ziti!” Switching from one mama’s boy to another, Brody wouldn’t skip a beat subbing in for Vinny. They’re both funny, charismatic, and popular with the ladies. Plus, maybe it’s just me, but I think the Bro is a significant visual upgrade.
Foxy Cleopatra as Snooki
Yes, that’s right. Nicole Richie’s beloved Pomeranian, Foxy Cleopatra, would make the absolute perfect Snooki replacement. Not only could MTV get her in on a lower pay grade, but I bet she’d be loyal as a dog to the show. It would be remiss to hire someone who wasn’t equally as orange-tinted and poof-y as the original star.
Lou Ferrigno as Ronnie
They’re both huge. The similarities really stop there, but there’s not much else to work with.
Danielle Staub as Angelina
Okay, tell me Danielle wouldn’t give her left boob implant to be a twenty-something again living it up down the shore with an entourage of juiceheads. And Angelina, who goes by “Jolie”, lives in an alternate reality, much like the most-loathed Housewife of NJ. Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re the same home-wrecking, fame-whoring person.
Kristen Stewart as Sammi
Aww, but Sammi’s just a sweetheart, right? Wrong! She’s a mean, unsmiling little brat just like K-Stew. The only time you’ll notice the switch is when Kristen’s on the beach slathered in SPF 150 hiding under an umbrella in long sleeves. Don’t want to lose that deathly pallor.
Doug Reinhardt as Mike “The Situation”
They both really, really like themselves. Seriously, why else would they each need their own “official” website? Ooh, look: Doug describes himself as an “athlete and entrepreneur” while the Situation prefers to operate as someone who “knows what he wants from his summer at the Jersey Shore and is not going to let anything stop him from getting it”. Well now!
Samantha Ronson as Pauly D
They both have mad DJing skills and horrific hair. Not to mention the ladies love ‘em!