Lindsay’s In Jail – What Do We Do Now?

Looks like Lindsay Lohan won’t be completing her full 90-day jail sentence.  Due to “overcrowding” in the L.A. county jail system, she can make it out from behind bars in less than two weeks.  Sounds to me like the judge’s daughter couldn’t go three whole months without a little LiLo crazy in her life.  Good thing, because neither could we!

While this whole reduced sentence thing is totally great for Linds, it still completely sucks for us.  She was so inconsiderate to be incarcerated during the summer.  Seriously!  Most of our fave TV shows are on hiatus, the celebs have shipped out to various luxury islands, and the three-year-old sitting next to me just bit a chunk out of my Us Weekly (ugh, babysitting).

Fear not, because in a moment of absolute panic I devised a brilliant schedule to keep us entertained while Lindsay knits leggings in jail.  After all, what do they say to do after a loved one departs?  Gotta keep busy!

Day 1: Today is a day for reflection.  We, as a society, need to look at what we have done to drive the Queen of Spandex into a bottomless downward spiral.  I encourage everyone to watch The Parent Trap and shed a tear for the good ol’ days.  Rice crispy treats and juice boxes optional.

Day 2: You probably ended up sobbing yesterday as you enjoyed your double dose of drug-free Lindsay.  Do you look like hell today?  Puffy eyes, tissues stuffed in your pockets…maybe just a little?  Well good news, it’s detox day!  Go for a run, eat some blueberries, throw on a face mask. Here’s your chance to do everything our favorite girl didn’t.

Day 3: July 23rd is National Ice Cream day.  Yum!  Call the girlfriends over and turn your kitchen into a Sundae Buffet.  In honor of Lindsay’s once-curvier figure, go all out by splurging on toppings.  Oreo crumbles, gummy worms, hot fudge…LiLo was never afraid of mixing substances, so you shouldn’t be either.

Day 4: If we know one thing about Ms. Lohan, it’s that she liked to live in extremes.  Do you have a Rocky Road baby after a night of frozen excess?  Go to the gym ASAP.  No joke, you’re going to look so fat in your leggings.  Hop on the elliptical for six hours and put a Samantha Ronson playlist on repeat.  Should do the trick.

Day 5: Mad Men premiers tonight on AMC.  Here’s the perfect opportunity to watch some high-brow television and think of all the projects Linds could have scored had she not been scoring so many drugs instead.  Plus Jon Hamm has a really nice ass.  Just sayin’.

Day 6: Today is All or Nothing Day (a genuine national holiday).  You have to watch every movie Lindsay Lohan ever did.  Yes, that includes I Know Who Killed Me.  Don’t feel up to the challenge?  Then you can never utter her name again.  Ever.

Day 7: We’ve made it an entire week behind bars, guys!  Time to celebrate, so invite over Vanessa Minnillo and play with knives.  What, like you had a better idea?

Day 8: Ohmigod so tired from last night.  Vanessa is one crazy bia.  Call your mini-me little sister (who looks 40, btw) and just go shopping with money you don’t have.  So bored with life, someone find me a job I can not-show-up for.

Day 9: Jersey Shore premiers tonight on MTV.  It would be a travesty not to watch.  JWOWW is from Long Island…Lindsay is from Long Island, too!  Snooki is orange…Lindsay invented orange!  Angelina wants to be famous…Lindsay totally wants to be famous!  Let’s remember what’s important in life today.  Cook up some meatballs, pour a glass of vodka, and tune in.

Day 10: Too many juiceheads, too much vodka.  Hungover and jaded with our culture.  Don’t even both waking up today.

Day 11: It’s Parent’s Day!  Go hug yours and thank them for being nothing like Dina and Michael (I hope).  Additionally, yell at them for never helping you become a child star.  Your life would have been so much better with a few Oscar Mayer commercials under your belt.

Day 12: Freedom!  We’ve made it through an entire jail sentence.  We’ve laughed and cried and blacked out together.  I really feel so close to each and every one of you.  To prepare for Lindsay’s re-entry into society, we need to be looking our best.  Today you need to go get a spray tan and a blowout.  Don your tightest, best leggings and a pair of obscenely impractical shoes.  Time to welcome our girl home!

Candy Dish: Lindsay Lohan’s Not Serving 90 Days
Candy Dish: Lindsay Lohan’s Not Serving 90 Days
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