Faking It Like a Pro

There are some things you shouldn’t fake but you do anyway. We’ve all done it. I did it last night. Heavy breathing, a little writhing, a moan or two, and you’re got yourself a straight up ‘big O.’ Hey I just wanted to get some sleep, I was too damn tired for a marathon sex sesh.

It doesn’t mean that some things aren’t better faked.

Sometimes you just don’t have the time to read the New York Times every morning, or take up sailing to impress the hot preppy guy in your economics class, or even make sure your life isn’t a complete disaster. In this case, sometimes a girl just has to fake it. Hey, you think I actually have time to read the whole Economist every week to fit in with my superstar Ivy peers? Hells no.

How to Fake Knowing About Current Events:

1. Pick up the Economist from the library, read the first 5 pages where they summarize all the major events that happened in the past week in bullet points.

2. Skim the world section of the Times every morning, usually you can pick up the main points in 10 minutes- things in Iraq continue to go to hell, terrorism lives on, etc.

3. Every Sunday the Times summarizes all the major news stories of the previous week. Plus all the stories rock.

How to Fake Sexual Skill

1. You don’t really have to; most guys are thrilled to have you naked at all.

2. Reverse cowgirl. It’s so easy, but so effective. It’s like girl on top, only you face backwards. Guys love this move, especially if you’re wearing cute underwear.

3. A little moaning always fixes everything. No seriously, it does. Bonus points for a hair toss now and then.

How to Fake Being Preppy (in case your boyfriend invites you home … in CT)

1. Put on cable knit sweater, add pearl earrings, throw on some Sperry’s. Bonus points for sporting pink and green.

2. Apply pink blush to the apples of your cheeks so it looks like you just got back from brisk row.

3. Throw a copy of “The Official Preppy Handbook” in your monogrammed L.L. Bean tote (you know – in case you need to sneak off to the bathroom for a reference).

How to Disguise the Freshman 15:

1. I can’t stress this enough; A black turtleneck. It makes your chest look huge and your waist tiny.

2. Dark denim jeans, knee length skirts, empire waists, black leggings. Whatever you do, avoid flats and skirts together like the plague.

3. If you don’t have time to exercise, 50-100 lunges a day will firm things up in a couple of weeks.

How to Fake Knowing About New Music:

1. Always have an obscure band to reference. Even better, have two: “Yeah, the new stuff from Arcade Fire is great, for sure, but doesn’t it sound a little like the Coke Squirrels’ second album?”

2. Memorize the names of the top bands on College Music’s Top Lists and listen to a clip from each on www.myspace.com. Throw around names liberally.

3. There is nothing like iTunes for checking up random bands without actually bothering to listen to, or pay to hear their full songs.

How to Fake Looking Good After Pulling An All-Nighter:

1. Visine and an eyelash curler for your bloodshot eyes; apricot blush for your pasty complexion; a high, tight ponytail for that sophisticated European scholar look.

2. Take off those grim sweatpants and throw on a pair of equally comfortable low slung cargo pants, tight camisole, topped off with a little cardigan. It feels like PJs but looks so damn good.

3. Lay off the coffee unless you want to kill your stomach lining; wash down a caffeine pill with a tall glass of orange juice instead. It’s a buzz with vitamins and minerals.

Weekly Wrap Up: Beer Me The Weekend
Weekly Wrap Up: Beer Me The Weekend
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