Maxim Says The Darndest Things: August Edition

It’s that time of month again when I nobly purchase my Maxim magazine, a pack of Dove Dark Chocolates and snuggle up on my couch to scan the half nudey pages of the man bible.  I’m really starting to get used to this.  I’ve learned a lot the past few months of scanning the pages chock full of boobs and booze, and this month did not disappoint.  After staring at this months saucy cover, (Dania Ramirez’s swimsuit is seriously cute) I was in for another overdose of nice sports cars, sex jokes and Hometown Hotties 2010.

Go ahead, look over them all.  My dark chocolate started to taste like ash while I skimmed through them… I really need to start going on brisk jogs. For hours at a time.  Lucky for me, each hottie had a snippet quote below her picture and let me tell you, some of them really had me giggling/shoving dark chocolate down my throat again.  How can you feel bad for yourself when one girl claims: “I can make my boobs bounce!”  Oh my heavens, girlfriend! Like, me too!

Speaking of booby bouncing, JWWOW was nice enough to let her ginormous freckled boobs fill a four page spread. (I’m surprised they didn’t have 3D glasses for the big [hehe] event.) The photoshoot seemed to take place at a cheap New Jersey swimming pool (standard) and JWWOW was wearing (gasp!) a bright swimsuit and heels. The article was dedicated to JWWOW sharing her fashion advice. Which is also, funny.  Does any of her advice go beyond; “You’ll look fresh to death with a spray tan?”   A few more promisingly hilarious articles were a ‘Subtext of Condoms’ feature and ‘The 20 Biggest Bitches in Sports.”  I have to give kudos to Maxim, that shiz was dead on. You may even wanna hop on over to your neighborhood Borders and flip through to see what I’m talkin’ about.

But of course, there was one particular article that struck my fancy and my funny bone. (And it hurt.) Really, do dumb guys people think some advice is actually going to work?  The article is called ‘Net Benefits’ and it tells men how to get all of the horny women infesting the web crawling in their bed.  First of all, I think all of the horny women are on AOL chat already, their screenames are SexKitten69 and you don’t have to work past an “a/s/l?” comment to get her to cyber with you.  But what do I know?

This should be good.

Maxim Says: Pimp your profile. Time to wipe that grin off your face. Men who don’t smile in their photos – and who look off to the side rather than directly at the camera – receive the most e-mails from women on the site.
Brittany Says:
Perv up your profile, is what they meant to say.  If I see any man pulling the, “I-took-this-picture-on-my-camera-phone-in-my-parents’-bathroom” I get out as quick as I can.  If a man thinks that hard about what his jaw-line is looking like in his profile picture, I want nothing to do with him anyway. Because he probably asks for dressing on the side of his salad too.  Give me a real man.

Maxim Says: Find the easy mark.  Stats reveal that you’re most likely to succeed with an older woman who ranks about a seven in looks.  Guys generally have no chance with the 10s – and ignore the slightly less beautiful, but still attractive, women.
Brittany Says:
This is as slightly offending as it’s just plain stupid.  This reminds me of a Planet Earth episode.  The cheetah crawling towards it’s prey, naturally attacking the weakest foal. Sorry for bringing Animal Planet into this, but life ain’t a inter-specific predatory relationship.  If you don’t know what that is, it’s fine, because only cheetahs should have them.

Maxim Says: Woo her. One no-no when making contact for the first time? Giving props to her hotness.
Brittany Says:
I understand complimenting on someone’s personality may be a little more observant and cute than telling her her legs look sizzlin’ in that mini-skirt.  But what in the h-e-double dating tips is wrong with telling a girl she’s lookin supa fly?  As long as you don’t tell her you’ve been undressing her with your eyes all night long,  I say nothing.

Candy Dish: The Target Collaborations Keep Getting Better
Candy Dish: The Target Collaborations Keep Getting Better
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