Jersey Shore: Gym, Tan, SMUSH!

First and foremost, this has been the most anticipated show of the year for me. Needless to say, episode one of the Jersey Shore did not disappoint. From the first ten minutes (which we already saw) to the last, it was chock-full of immobile hair, grainy over-contrasted filter shots, super fruity blended drinks and fist pumps galore. What a delight to see all our friends from Season 1 of the Jersey Shore, clearly more grown up and matured from their long summer vacation.

We open on Long Island (Or was it Staten Island? Or maybe upstate? It’s all the same thing, right?), because god forbid anyone from the show “Jersey Shore” is actually from New Jersey, suffering in the Snowpocalypse, unable to creep or beat the beat. Luckily, MTV’s Escalade service provided the cast (at least the 4 more popular members…) with cars to road trip down to sunny South Beach to escape the chilly Seaside Heights. JWowww and Snooki have a fabulous time, ripping on the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island’s pancake ass, eating fried pickles and forcing poor innocent “sister f*cking” southerners to epileptically fist pump. This part of the show was when I began referring to myself as Snooki and my roommate as JWowww, since we have an inseparable friendship like those two …and I wouldn’t put it past my roommate to fistpump some Angelina-esque girls in the face when we go out.

I digress. The crew eventually arrives to their three bedroom shack somewhere on South Beach, meticulously decorated with the finest twin beds and bamboo trimmings. Angelina arrives, newly waxed and ready to brawl (and likely get her wig-looking hair pulled out of her head. Seriously, what’s with the bangs? Yikes). She decides to bunk with The Situation and DJ Pauly D, who are clearly not thrilled with her presence but willing to let her sleep nearby in case they can’t get with any babes, landmines (skinny fugly girls) or grenades (fatty ugly chicks). Which, I’m sure, makes her feel great about herself.

Meanwhile, upon first glance of Angelina, JWoww is ready to lay a b*tch out and Sammi Oh-so-newly-Skinny Sweetheart is pining for her dear Ron. Who just wants to smush some girls. And they say romance is dead….

After the rooms have been “situated,” it’s on to the Miami festivities. The blender starts whirring and the liquor starts flowing and the entire Ikea wardrobe collapses, spilling approximately 4 of JWoww’s Screwdrivers all over Sammi’s white shorts. OH. MY. GOD. WHAT IS SAMMI GOING TO WEAR? Thank god for Snooki, who begins to hand wash Sweetheart’s clothes (though clearly disturbed claiming, “I feel like a Pilgrim from the freakin’ ’20s”) before putting the wet shorts into a garbage bag….. I’m sure Sammi is going to be in much better spirits when she comes home to find all 47 pairs of her shorts are covered in mildew.

Oh Snooki. I just want to carry you around in my pocket to dispense wisdom like a tiny, poofy Pez Dispenser of Guido loving. Also, what’s with people calling her Nicole? Everyone knows that the Jersey Shore crew calls her only by a few things: Snooki, Snickers, Snookers or The Unthinkable (Future Episode: “Did I do The Unthinkable?” –Vinny).

Sammi freaks out about Angelina being within 40 feet of Ronnie, who obviously she still is in love with but she just like, doesn’t know, she doesn’t know. The girls pile into one cab and the guys into another. In the cab Sammi begins to cry about Ronnie, Snookers and JWowww comfort her and Angelina feels this is an appropriate time to start ripping on everyone. JWowww, obviously not about to deal with any of that, fires back and is ready to “take it outside.” We cut to the boys, sitting in silent in a cab minivan.

The bar is par for the course as it was in Seaside. Ronnie and Sammi fight, Sammi cries and makes everyone leave early, the Situation lifts his shirt and makes fun of ugly girls, Pauly D is decently having a good time, Angelina is making faces like she smells a fart and labeling herself as “classy” (is this what we missed after she went home last season? SEND HER BACK), Ronnie makes out with multiple ugly girls (I didn’t even know ugly people existed in Miami until this episode, FYI) and Vinny is not in a single scene.

Some questions to ponder:
– When will Angelina walk off the show?
– Will Sammi and Ronnie ever find true love?
– Will Emilio (Snooki’s bf) be left high and dry in Poughkeepsie?
– How many punches will JWowww throw?
– Is Vinny ever going to say anything of note?

I love the Jersey Shore, B*tch, and I can’t wait for the rest of this season.

Duke It Out: Free Birth Control?
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